Discovering Our Talents…How great they are indeed

I’m sure we have all been given the compliment “You’re so talented!” Most of us think of a talent as an ability that comes to us naturally.  We think that effort shouldn’t be required to get better, we just are.  But, if one of the purposes of life is to learn and we are automatically great at something, I wonder what the purpose of a talent is. Are they given to us for a reason? Talents seemed to be viewed as the abilities we can showcase but there are so many talents that people are not aware of or the world doesn’t seem to value. Those tend to be the ones that matter most.

I grew up with a girl named Brenda.  We went to elementary, junior high and high school together.  We were in band class and both of us played the clarinet.  I remember our yearly marching band camp and concert band trips to California. We had such a fun time sharing rooms.  To this day we still reminisce over the funny experiences we had. When we were together then and now, I watch Brenda interact with others.  She always treats people with love.  In fact, one of her favorite things in the world is to show love to those she cares about through hugs.

Sadly, there were times I did not appreciate her amazing gift.  Because of my own issues, I pushed people away, including Brenda. But she always stood in the shadows waiting for me to figure things out and then accept me with open arms as we reconnected. Brenda’s amazing capacity to love is indeed a talent that not everyone possess, but can. She had to work at it. Brenda has had many trials and struggles in her life that have given her the opportunity to open her heart and love others instead of shut them out.  Because of her choices and her hard work, her love is pure and unconditional. She sees the person as they truly are: a person of value and beauty.

Cotton Mather, a 17th Century American theologian and author, said, “Our opportunities to do good are our talents.”  The purpose of a talent is to do good for and to others.  Brenda is a true example of using talents for good.  Through her talent to love, she taught me that I am valued and loved not matter the mistakes I make.  That is a gift from Brenda I will always cherish and am currently working to develop. It is when we use our talents for our own personal gain that we change our perspective in life into one that is selfish in nature.  This change is happening everywhere. We live in a world where the central focus of a person’s life is themselves.  We often think, “What about me?”

The current fad in television shows is competitive reality TV. This past summer I watch World of Dance on NBC.  This is a show where dancers from all around the world come to compete for 1 million dollars by eventually preforming the top dance.  This show, and most all reality TV, is edited in such a way that it shows a piece of the competitor’s story, but this is only so we as an audience can connect emotionally with them. And if we do see their struggles, it is laced with loads of unnecessary drama. However, TV is not how real life works. TV is only entertainment. It is interesting that people fight for their spot on TV…. to get known.  Most use their talents as a vehicle to get there.  I’m not saying it’s bad to allow your talents to help you reach success.  In fact, finding then improving talents is a great approach to help us live a happy, productive life. But it made me wonder if we put more value on those talents that help us succeed rather than those that makes us better people. What is the difference between the two? Our mindset.

Dancing and other performing arts are definitely types of talents that can make us into better people.  As a dancer, I have learned about failure, self-esteem, and hard work.  But most people don’t connect those qualities with a performing arts talent.  They just see the wonderful performance and gawk over the person’s ability.  And this is where we get caught in the trap of using our talents for personal gain.  We motivate ourselves to work hard to gain a reputation, not to help others or better our personal self.  And that is where this mind set becomes not only twisted but also ironic because the purpose of a talent is to contribute to the amazing work of making this world a better place for all. This made me think of a lady I met many years ago who couldn’t showcase a skill on stage but she had the wonderful ability to listen. The sad thing is that if looked at through the eyes of the world, she wouldn’t be considered as talented as a person who could dance, sing, or paint.

Several years ago while I was attending college to become a teacher, I would volunteer at my mother’s school. She worked with a beautiful lady who knew how to listen.  When you talked, she stopped what she was doing, turned, and looked at you.  She didn’t think of what she was going to say next or worried that you came in at the wrong time because she had to get something done.  Instead, she was engaged in what you were saying and made you feel like your words mattered.  The conversation wasn’t about her, it was about the subject you brought up.  In the eyes of the world, her ability to listen would be considered a passive trait.  This is because the listener is allowing another to be the focal point. Talking, on the other hand, is viewed as the more active, strong trait because the talker is letting their thoughts be known. Of course both actions have their place and there must be a balance. Still, I view listening as a talent of strength, love, and unselfishness.  For when you listen, the other feels valued.

I’m sure this amazing lady didn’t wake up one day and decide that she was going to be a great listener.  It took work and time. To some it may appear that others acquire their talents so easily.  I believe that we can acquire any talent we want with the necessary work and patience.  Yes, it is true that some things feel harder than others.  But that doesn’t mean that we can’t learn.

Those who ever attended college know that writing papers is a common assignment. It was then that I realized how much I hated writing.  I would sit at the computer for hours, staring at it with no idea what to write. I have never been good at putting together words, both in the written or spoken form.  I stumble, especially when I am nervous, and many times my mind goes blank. But this past year, I read a book about journal writing.  I read how journaling is a great way to think through things and figure them out.  So, I tried it out.  I sat down and started to write.  The nerves dissolved because I knew no one would see the words but me. No judgement.  Absolutely, some of my sentences didn’t make sense when I reread my writing.  However, the more I wrote, the more comfortable I got. I felt my ability to express myself increased. I felt like I was gaining my voice.  After about a year, I noticed how much I enjoyed writing and received compliments on my style.  My weakness became (or is becoming- I’m still learning) a strength.  It took discovery, a desire, constant effort, and time.  I now see writing as something I love. It has been a blessing because it has helped me see life in a different light. I share my writing not so I can become famous one day or convince everyone that they should think like me.  I write because maybe, just maybe, through sharing my love of writing with experiences and thoughts, I could inspire someone. And maybe that inspiration could lead to making needed choices to have a happier, more fulfilled life. Most of that time, that one person is myself. The teacher always seems to learn more.

Talents, as shown in the story of me learning to write, are not limited to things that come natural to us.  If this were the case, we would be very limited on what we can accomplish in life. The first step in gaining a talent is to make a discovery.  To do that we must try new things.  We need to put ourselves into a position where we will learn and have new experiences. Then, we must have the desire to nurture it.  We can do anything we put our mind to.  It may take a whole lot of trial and failure but if we keep at it, pretty soon it will be second nature to us. One of my biggest pet-peeves is someone telling me I can’t do something.  I’ve had many experiences where I was told to give up.  I’m so glad I didn’t listen.

Sadly, we are too quick to give up on a talent if the motivation to keep going is not instant or what is valued by the population. Greed, power, and fame are the three things our world values above all.  The world tells us that if we don’t have money, and important position in life, and many people who know and respect us that we are of no worth. Many use their talents to get at least one of these three worldly possessions thinking that they will feel cherished once they earn it. I have found just the opposite is true. Worldly treasures are only temporary.  When I work hard to increase talents and then use them to help someone else, I am rewarded 10 fold by the way I feel and the qualities I inherit.  To me, that is far more valuable than what fame or fortune will ever give because those are the gifts that last for eternity.

Transforming Power of the Atonement

We often think of the Atonement as a cleansing power.  However, it is so much bigger than that.  It helps us be better people.  We get to learn through trials and struggles but the Lord is there to comfort and support us.  We are given gifts through the Atonement that can enable us to be the kind of people that we otherwise couldn't be.  I am so grateful for the Atonement and its ability, if I do my part, to help me do a little better each day.

The Wonderful, Beautiful YOU

We all have a different relationship with our reflection.  And just like any relationship, it takes time and patience to develop into something beautiful. It can also be a representation of the stories in a person’s life. Each story is unique and full of joys and pains. Some show the joys from laugh lines or the stress through gray hair. The thing is, a reflection in the mirror is not a person’s whole story. It is only skin deep. Society tells us we must look a certain way to be acceptable. We read articles, try to copy pictures, and experiment on ourselves to meet these acceptance standards. But is this what really makes us beautiful? 

There was a time when I wasn’t too fond of my reflection. I often referred to myself as having what I like to call the “ugly duckling syndrome.” When I was a young kid (around 6 or 7) I broke my nose at school.  Being someone who didn’t like to make a big deal of things, I never told anyone.  My nose healed with a bump on it. I noticed (and it was often pointed out to me) in my early preteen years that my nose didn’t look like other noses. As a result, I was very self-conscious. The combo of being chunky and having a bump nose was disastrous to my esteem. I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror and I didn’t like what was under the surface.  I thought my refection proved that my whole self was worthless.

I’ve read many books to help me with my body image issues.  One book I’ve read recently (because I still struggle now and then) is called “Body Image Breakthrough” by Jaci Wightman.  She writes that in the early stages of life we are learning to explore and use our senses and body to enjoy this amazing world. Then she goes on to say, “But as we got older, …we began to internalize the world’s ideas about what a physical body should look like. Only when we started to compare ourselves with the golden image of beauty did we see our hair as too thin and our hips as too wide; only then did we feel the need to cover and hide our body’s imperfections.”[i]  I was (and still am) absolutely 100% guilty of this.  Around the same time I spiraled into an eating disorder obsessed with becoming thin, I had surgery on my nose to correct it.

The worst thing we can do to our self-esteem is compare ourselves to another person.  We are essentially saying that the person we are comparing ourselves to is “perfect” and we need to be like them. And when we strive to be like another we are worshipping them or what they emulate. So, as Jaci put it, we are worshipping the golden image of beauty. We are telling ourselves that we are not good enough and the best way to fix it is to cover it up or change it.

I was talking with my friend Claire the other day.  We had similar issues with our bodies growing up and she said I could share a story of her childhood. As a child, her mother was concerned about Claire’s weight.  She had a sugar addition and her mother would limit foods she could eat, including bread.  One problem was that Claire’s mother loved to bake bread and Claire loved to eat it. One day, her mother made a delicious loaf of bread and told Claire that she could have one slice. She became expert at hiding evidence of food she had secretly eaten.  That one slice turned into a little rip there and a tear here until she hollowed out an entire loaf of bread. Nervous of what her mother might think and do, Claire wrapped up the loaf, turned it around, and put it in the freezer.  Just as Claire hid the evidence of her imperfect choices, we too hide our imperfections by covering them up in hopes that no one will find out.

We live in a world where judgment is common.  We grow up unknowingly being compared to others as babies in looks and abilities.  We then enter the school system, we are compared with our classmates on how we rank in our learning abilities.  While in school, we notice similarities and differences in our appearance from others.  Those physical attributes are also rated among peers.  Varginia Satir, a pioneer in family therapy, refers to self-image often.[ii]  She teaches us that the lower our self-worth is, the less we trust people.  We all know that when we don’t trust others we are nervous to show our true selves because there is risk of judgement.  No one likes being judged.  And just like Claire did when she was a child and I did with my surgery, we hide or change what we think (or rather what we fear others think) is wrong about ourselves.  But what we are forgetting is that our imperfections are what makes us unique.  And in a world full of individuals and ideas, each person has their own interpretation of what they were taught beauty is.

The definition of what is measured as beautiful changes over time and from culture to culture. Once it was considered beautiful to be fat where now, thin is in.  The standards are never constant and they change because an influential person decided to look a certain way one day. And since we are creatures of competition, we try to live up to that image or surpass it. The bar is continually getting raised or changed the more we compare and compete with others.  We are left confused because trying to live up to something that is not steadfast and true causes chaos and self-doubt.

So, what is true beauty? Elaine S. Dalton, an influential representative among the youth, tells what she calls “deep beauty.”  She said, “It is the kind of beauty that cannot be painted on, surgically created, or purchased. It is the kind of beauty that doesn’t wash off. It is spiritual attractiveness. Deep beauty springs from virtue.”[iii] True beauty comes from the good you do.  It comes from the way you treat others and how you build yourself.  It comes from your experiences and positive outlook.  True beauty is something of greater value than the clothes you wear or the way you do your hair. True beauty is where real happiness comes from.

As I think of true beauty, Winnie the Pooh comes to mind.  You may think, what does Winnie the Pooh have to do with beauty? Winnie the Pooh was a character who loved everyone for who they were.  He took care of himself, was virtuous, kind, respectful, positive, and loving.  His friends didn’t care what he looked like or what he wore.  They loved him because he was himself and emulated qualities that helped him be the best him he could be.

Beauty does not come from a box or the store.  It comes from the inside out.  I had it all wrong when I was young.  My outside doesn’t define my insides.  It’s just the opposite.  My insides will always reflect my outside. If I could go back and tell that self-conscious girl anything, I would tell her the exact thing that hangs on my bathroom wall: Be your own kind of beautiful. In other words, love the whole you.  Love your beautiful body, that you even have one.  Take care of it.  Exercise, eat healthy, and respect it. Love what it does for you. Love your scares and imperfections, both inside and out. Love your unique characteristics that make you, you. And most of all, love what you have become and what you are working on to be a better version of you.

The witch in Snow White had the wrong conversation with the mirror.  She asked to get rated and compared to others in the village, namely Snow White. Too often we ask others what they think of us.  We compare ourselves to the image of beauty that the world sets as a standard.  Rather than comparing, it is important to see yourself as you truly are: someone of beauty with unique character and ability.  Someone who doesn’t look or act exactly like anyone else. Someone who’s story is your own. Build a strong, confident relationship with yourself.  And when you look in the mirror, make the statement: Mirror, mirror on the wall…I’m the fairest me of all.    

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[i] Wightman, Jaci. Body Image Breakthrough. Cedar Fort, Inc: Springville, UT, 2014.

[ii] Satir, Virginia. The New Peoplemaking. Science and Behavior Books: Mountain View, CA, 1988.

[iii] Dalton, Elaine S., Remember Who You Are. April 2010. Retrieved at https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/remember-who-you-are?lang=eng on September 9, 2018.

The Parable of the Blackberry Bush

Have you ever seen a blackberry bush? My sister-in-law, Jess, invited me to pick blackberries with her and my cute nieces.  Blackberry bushes grow to be tall thorny plants with clusters of berries.  Some are easily accessed and others are deep in the bush. I quickly realized, as I picked the berries, that my hands and arms were scraped and bleeding from the insult of the thorns, even if I was so careful.  I started to think about life and how picking blackberries teaches so many lessons. I wrote the following parable leaving the meaning up to you, since we all need to hear and learn something different.

There was a girl who loved blackberries.  She felt so lucky because they grew in abundance down by the river.  Each day she walked the short distance to pick a basket full of berries.  She brought them back to her cottage to create delicious and beautiful deserts for friends and family.  One day, she had the desire to make a decadent blackberry tart that was never attempted but dreamt of.  Only the best blackberries would do for this particular desert. And she was sure that she would have no problem finding the right ones. Since she picked blackberries daily, she was fully aware of the thorns on the bush. However, they were never a problem.  The berries always seemed to be within reach, away from danger. So the thought of bringing gloves never crossed her mind. She fetched her basket and was on her way.

When she arrived at the river, her heart sank when she noticed that all the best blackberries were deep in the bush.  Determined, she quickly pushed any doubt aside. She just had to get the best because only the best would do.  Remembering she didn’t have gloves, the girl carefully and slowly reached through the bush.  But she failed.  The thorns had gotten to her hands and arms.  She quickly pulled her arm back, further injuring herself.  She was so nervous to try again but those blackberries were too good to pass up.  She firmly decided that those were the berries she would get. She tried again.  And again, the same results.  But this time she was frustrated and tired.  She didn’t know if she should go on. 

As she was contemplating what do to, a man walked down the path.  He saw her frustrated and tired disposition and asked if there was any way he could help.  She refused his help.  This was her problem and allowing anyone to help would prove she was a failure.  She continued to think.  Before long, a gust of wind raced through blowing blackberries to the ground. She pushed them aside thinking there must be something wrong with these berries since they had fallen so easily from the bush.  At last, she looked up and saw a small opening in the bush.  The wind had tossed the branches and leaves in the storm.  The leaves had surprisingly stuck to the thorns making it a safe opening to put her bare hand through.  Sadly, her hopes were dashed.  The opening didn’t provide an easy way to the particular berries she so desperately wanted. 

Her frustration, doubt, and fear had won.  She decided to return home empty handed.  The tart she so wanted to make remained a dream.  That night she wondered why it had to be so hard to pick blackberries this time.  Her whole time living in the cottage she pick them so easily.  Why did today have to be so different?