Thursday, September 13, 2018

The Wonderful, Beautiful YOU


We all have a different relationship with our reflection.  And just like any relationship, it takes time and patience to develop into something beautiful. It can also be a representation of the stories in a person’s life. Each story is unique and full of joys and pains. Some show the joys from laugh lines or the stress through gray hair. The thing is, a reflection in the mirror is not a person’s whole story. It is only skin deep. Society tells us we must look a certain way to be acceptable. We read articles, try to copy pictures, and experiment on ourselves to meet these acceptance standards. But is this what really makes us beautiful? 
There was a time when I wasn’t too fond of my reflection. I often referred to myself as having what I like to call the “ugly duckling syndrome.” When I was a young kid (around 6 or 7) I broke my nose at school.  Being someone who didn’t like to make a big deal of things, I never told anyone.  My nose healed with a bump on it. I noticed (and it was often pointed out to me) in my early preteen years that my nose didn’t look like other noses. As a result, I was very self-conscious. The combo of being chunky and having a bump nose was disastrous to my esteem. I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror and I didn’t like what was under the surface.  I thought my refection proved that my whole self was worthless.
I’ve read many books to help me with my body image issues.  One book I’ve read recently (because I still struggle now and then) is called “Body Image Breakthrough” by Jaci Wightman.  She writes that in the early stages of life we are learning to explore and use our senses and body to enjoy this amazing world. Then she goes on to say, “But as we got older, …we began to internalize the world’s ideas about what a physical body should look like. Only when we started to compare ourselves with the golden image of beauty did we see our hair as too thin and our hips as too wide; only then did we feel the need to cover and hide our body’s imperfections.”[i]  I was (and still am) absolutely 100% guilty of this.  Around the same time I spiraled into an eating disorder obsessed with becoming thin, I had surgery on my nose to correct it.
The worst thing we can do to our self-esteem is compare ourselves to another person.  We are essentially saying that the person we are comparing ourselves to is “perfect” and we need to be like them. And when we strive to be like another we are worshipping them or what they emulate. So, as Jaci put it, we are worshipping the golden image of beauty. We are telling ourselves that we are not good enough and the best way to fix it is to cover it up or change it.
I was talking with my friend Claire the other day.  We had similar issues with our bodies growing up and she said I could share a story of her childhood. As a child, her mother was concerned about Claire’s weight.  She had a sugar addition and her mother would limit foods she could eat, including bread.  One problem was that Claire’s mother loved to bake bread and Claire loved to eat it. One day, her mother made a delicious loaf of bread and told Claire that she could have one slice. She became expert at hiding evidence of food she had secretly eaten.  That one slice turned into a little rip there and a tear here until she hollowed out an entire loaf of bread. Nervous of what her mother might think and do, Claire wrapped up the loaf, turned it around, and put it in the freezer.  Just as Claire hid the evidence of her imperfect choices, we too hide our imperfections by covering them up in hopes that no one will find out.
We live in a world where judgment is common.  We grow up unknowingly being compared to others as babies in looks and abilities.  We then enter the school system, we are compared with our classmates on how we rank in our learning abilities.  While in school, we notice similarities and differences in our appearance from others.  Those physical attributes are also rated among peers.  Varginia Satir, a pioneer in family therapy, refers to self-image often.[ii]  She teaches us that the lower our self-worth is, the less we trust people.  We all know that when we don’t trust others we are nervous to show our true selves because there is risk of judgement.  No one likes being judged.  And just like Claire did when she was a child and I did with my surgery, we hide or change what we think (or rather what we fear others think) is wrong about ourselves.  But what we are forgetting is that our imperfections are what makes us unique.  And in a world full of individuals and ideas, each person has their own interpretation of what they were taught beauty is.
The definition of what is measured as beautiful changes over time and from culture to culture. Once it was considered beautiful to be fat where now, thin is in.  The standards are never constant and they change because an influential person decided to look a certain way one day. And since we are creatures of competition, we try to live up to that image or surpass it. The bar is continually getting raised or changed the more we compare and compete with others.  We are left confused because trying to live up to something that is not steadfast and true causes chaos and self-doubt.
So, what is true beauty? Elaine S. Dalton, an influential representative among the youth, tells what she calls “deep beauty.”  She said, “It is the kind of beauty that cannot be painted on, surgically created, or purchased. It is the kind of beauty that doesn’t wash off. It is spiritual attractiveness. Deep beauty springs from virtue.”[iii] True beauty comes from the good you do.  It comes from the way you treat others and how you build yourself.  It comes from your experiences and positive outlook.  True beauty is something of greater value than the clothes you wear or the way you do your hair. True beauty is where real happiness comes from.
As I think of true beauty, Winnie the Pooh comes to mind.  You may think, what does Winnie the Pooh have to do with beauty? Winnie the Pooh was a character who loved everyone for who they were.  He took care of himself, was virtuous, kind, respectful, positive, and loving.  His friends didn’t care what he looked like or what he wore.  They loved him because he was himself and emulated qualities that helped him be the best him he could be.
Beauty does not come from a box or the store.  It comes from the inside out.  I had it all wrong when I was young.  My outside doesn’t define my insides.  It’s just the opposite.  My insides will always reflect my outside. If I could go back and tell that self-conscious girl anything, I would tell her the exact thing that hangs on my bathroom wall: Be your own kind of beautiful. In other words, love the whole you.  Love your beautiful body, that you even have one.  Take care of it.  Exercise, eat healthy, and respect it. Love what it does for you. Love your scares and imperfections, both inside and out. Love your unique characteristics that make you, you. And most of all, love what you have become and what you are working on to be a better version of you.
The witch in Snow White had the wrong conversation with the mirror.  She asked to get rated and compared to others in the village, namely Snow White. Too often we ask others what they think of us.  We compare ourselves to the image of beauty that the world sets as a standard.  Rather than comparing, it is important to see yourself as you truly are: someone of beauty with unique character and ability.  Someone who doesn’t look or act exactly like anyone else. Someone who’s story is your own. Build a strong, confident relationship with yourself.  And when you look in the mirror, make the statement: Mirror, mirror on the wall…I’m the fairest me of all.    



[i] Wightman, Jaci. Body Image Breakthrough. Cedar Fort, Inc: Springville, UT, 2014.
[ii] Satir, Virginia. The New Peoplemaking. Science and Behavior Books: Mountain View, CA, 1988.
[iii] Dalton, Elaine S., Remember Who You Are. April 2010. Retrieved at https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/remember-who-you-are?lang=eng on September 9, 2018.


2 comments:

  1. You are a great writer and such a profound topic. Thanks Annette. Lots of love.

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    1. This is such a wonderful compliment. Thank you so much!

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