I’ve heard letting
go is empowering. Letting go of past hurts; people; poor self-esteem issues;
and mostly, expectations of how life is supposed to be. I’m seeing that not only is it freeing but
with every piece of baggage I release I am slowly able to shift my
self-prospective from feeling broken to whole... to complete.
I always
thought of myself as carefree. But it
wasn’t until recently that I noticed I’m just the opposite, or at least I’ve
become the opposite. My shoulders and neck always seem strained and I have to
consciously tell my jaw to relax from the clenched, stressed position. I puzzled
me why is was so hard to relax. Then it all became clear. I have attachment
issues mixed in with control concerns that cause anxiety. I hold on so tight
that I almost always get injured in the process. Attachment to feelings,
outcomes, people, and my poor self-image has been a problem that has stressed
me out. It seems that trying to control every aspect of my existence doesn’t
work in this mortal life. Not only is it inoperative but
it also harms my faith and trust in God and closes my eyes to see his big,
beautiful and eternal plan for me.
I was the
typical little girl. I tried to
understand the world as I played Barbie’s and dress-up for hours. I imagined
that I was my future self as I became Barbie or the star actor in dress-up. I speculated
what my future would look like. I thought about where I would live and what I
would be when I grew up. However, I mostly dreamed of my own family, just like
my parents had.
I graduated
from high school and started to make some big choices for my life. I chose a
major at the University and worked hard towards that goal. Through each
adventure, I met many wonderful people and participated in some amazing
activities. I am so grateful for all I have been through and learned. I would never give up any of the experiences
I’ve had; some being life altering. I found great success in many areas. But
also along the way, I collected baggage.
I often
wondered if I was pretty enough, interesting enough, worthy enough, and mostly
valuable enough to have people stick around.
Many friends came into my life and left while I was still holding on.
Their premature leaving out of my life, from my perspective, always made a
deeper cut in the wound I was always trying to heal from: Was I enough?
As the years
passed, I pondered if my dream to have my own family would become a reality. I
had that nagging thought in the back of my mind that I wasn’t “good enough” for
such a wonderful blessing. Each relationship breakup got harder than harder to
recover from. I started to believe nobody wanted me because, I thought, there
obviously was something wrong with me.
The
difficulty of finding a spouse caused me to question if I would get to have
children of my own. Every time a birthday rolled around I saw my biological clock
tick away and start to ware out. Then a big bomb was dropped on my dream. I was
diagnosed with endometriosis in January 2020 and was told that I would need to
get an ovary removed and then be on medication until I went into menopause. The
chances of me having my own healthy baby, especially at my age, were highly
unlikely. The way I saw it, everything was working against me. The one thing I
wanted most in my life and worked so hard to get, my hope and dream, was turned
upside down.
It has been
a challenge to let go of the image of how I thought my life was supposed to look.
Mother’s Day gets more difficult each year. Someone, trying to help me feel
better, said to me once, “But look at all the children in your life that you
get to influence. Don’t you think that
makes you a mother to all of them?” Honestly? No. It’s not the same. The roles
are different.
A teacher is
a profession. I care for my students and want them to succeed. However, it is
inappropriate to have a close personal relationship with them. Especially one
like a mother has with her child. My role as an aunt is someone who is the
sister/sister-in-law to the child/children’s parents. My relationships with my
nieces and nephews are more like a friendship. I watch my sibling’s parent
their children and I yearn to have similar experiences and opportunities. Yes,
I can influence children but in a different way. A mother and her child have a
special type of connection that a teacher or aunt don’t.
This lack of
motherly connection has left a void in my life. Since I always thought I would
be a mother, I’ve had to rethink the purpose of my life. I pondered if I’ve truly
made a difference in anyone’s life. Do I matter? Am I enough?
These and
many more questions were swirling around in my head when I came across a story
in the Book of Mormon. I felt like my questions were answered with a tender
mercy.
The sons of
Mosiah left their home to preach the word of God after they repented and were
converted. They started their missions together as they traveled in the
wilderness down to the border of the land of the Lamanites.
“And it came
to pass that they journeyed many days in the wilderness, and they fasted much
and prayed much that the Lord would grant unto them a portion of his Spirit to
go with them, and abide with them…
And it came
to pass that the Lord did visit them with his Sprit, and sad unto them: Be
comforted. And they were comforted.
And the Lord
said unto them also: Go forth among the Lamanites, thy brethren, and establish
my word; yet ye shall be patient in long-suffering and afflictions, that ye may
show good examples unto them in me, and I will make an instrument of thee in my
hands unto the salvation of many souls.” (Alma 17:9-11)
Upon arrival
to the border, they separated. Each man was off on his own to experience his
own journey by going through different trials and receiving unique blessings. However,
there was one thing they all had in common: they had faith in God.
Ammon had a
rewarding experience with King Lamoni and was able to see mighty miracles. The
experiences of Ammon led to the rescue of his brothers in the land of Middoni.
He found them in prison.
“And when
Ammon did meet them he was exceedingly sorrowful, for behold they were naked,
and their skins were worn exceedingly because of being bound with strong cords.
And they also had suffered hunger, thirst, and all kinds of afflictions; nevertheless they were patient in all their
sufferings.” (Alma 20:29)
It hit me,
right then and there: “nevertheless they were patient in all their sufferings”.
The Lord had told them before their journey that there was a purpose in being
patient in their afflictions. Aaron and the rest of the brothers went down
excited to teach the word of God. But instead of success, they were physically
abused and thrown into prison. It was just the opposite of what a hopeful and
excited person expects. Yes, they knew hard times would come but nothing like
they could or would imagine for themselves. And yet, they were patient.
Life is
never as we expect. We may have goals and dreams of what we want outcomes or
relationships to look like. However, life always ends up throwing us a few
curve balls. The key is to be patient in all our sufferings (a.k.a. curveballs)
because there is a purpose to those sufferings. There is a purpose to the road
we are traveling on. There is a purpose
to the people who come in and out of our lives. And there is a unique purpose
to each life.
Elder Neal A
Maxwell said, “Patience is a willingness, in a sense, to watch the unfolding
purposes of God with a sense of wonder and awe.” Just like the Lord was
directing and watching over the sons of Mosiah, he is directing me with a
purpose. My job is to allow him to do so that I may see the many mighty
miracles he puts on my path.
After Aaron
was released from prison, he was fed, clothed, rested up, and then was on his
way back out. He was led to the land of Nephi, the land were the king over all
the lands lived. Aaron was not held back
from baggage he may have accrued from his past. Rather, he followed the
direction of the Spirit and went straight to speak to the king. From that one
courageous choice, he was opened to witness mighty miracles. He let the past
stay in the past, let go of any hard feelings, and allowed the Lord to direct
his paths. He was patient, flexible, and obedient in the direction of the Lord
and was therefore blessed to see Gods purposes. Not only did his faith bless
his life, but it blessed many others. He was able to see seven lands of
Lamanites converted to the Lord. He was able to see them change their ways from
a ferocious people to a humble, God-fearing people.
Positive
Energy created a meme that says: “Just because you believed and it didn’t work
out your way or on your timetable doesn’t mean that it’s over. God is planning
something better.” We almost never know what God has planned for us. It takes
lots of patience to see where your road it taking you. I have learned that when
I hang on to things that don’t belong in my life or false hope of how things
are supposed to be that I also hang on to an incorrect idea of who I am.
Looking back, I was always enough.
All my
experiences are leading to a bigger purpose. I am still in the process of trying
to figure out and see that purpose. However, I have also to come learn that
just because something hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it never will. I was
promised a family and believe if I am faithful I will be blessed with one in
God’s way and time. There are so many ways we can be blessed with a righteous
desire. We just have to trust the process.
Each day
brings more confidence as I learn to let go of some control on life and allow
God to lead me. There is a scripture on my fridge that has helped me through
some tough times.
“Therefore,
dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power;
and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of
God and for his arm to be revealed.” (D&C 123:17)
Yes, letting
go is empowering. It empowers me with the ability to move
forward. It’s interesting how life has taught me lessons in situations I could
nor ever would dream up for myself. However, I know as long as I trust God,
have faith in his plan, allow things to flow in and out of my life, and be
patient that I will be able to see beautiful miracles unfold before my eyes.
