Compassion is Not a Weakness

The Dalai Lama said something very wise about how we treat one another. He said, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” But in a world and culture where we focus mainly on ourselves, compassion is last on the docket of things to try, especially when you are searching for happiness.

Early in his ministry at the Sermon on the Mount, Christ taught, “Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.”[i] Mercy is something that is rarely given by others in this lifetime. And only those who are aware of its effects can truly give it as a gift. Trials in my own life have helped me to more completely understand what mercy and compassion are. Learning to help others in need is an attribute that not only helps me be happy through the hardships life deals out but at the same time helps others as well.

I have learned that trials always come, especially the hardest ones, when I least expect them. But as I’ve thought about it, this the beauty of the whole predicament because we get an opportunity to refine ourselves when we otherwise would never have taken that chance. I mean, think about it.  Who wants to deal with challenging things anyway? About 10 or 15 years ago one such opportunity presented itself to me. At first it was no big deal.  But as time passed and things got worse the humbling process began. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and heartbroken of what I was dealing with. I didn’t feel like anyone understood. At one point I was even harshly judged over things I could not control. I wanted my trial to go away and never return. But, ironically if it did I would have thrown away the opportunity to learn the personal need for compassion in the true sense.

I have realized that I am not alone. There are others out there dealing with the same issue. I have learned my struggles do not define me as a person. I understand a little bit more why people act as they do. The other day I was talking with a friend who voiced her concern about the struggles of a mutual friend. She said that she was worried because this friend does not let others know about what she is going through. Understanding the situation because I have acted similarly to my trial, I finished her thought….”Because she just wants to feel normal.”

It is very natural to want to feel “normal”.  But what is normal? I think a better description, since we all are so different and normalcy is only defined by those who judge, is that we just want to be loved, accepted, and supported.  I mean, life is hard enough.  The best way I have found to accomplish all three is through compassion.

Compassion is when you demonstrate true, pure charity.  This is when you are kind, loving, serviceable, believing, and patient.  We don’t need to investigate or pry.  When people feel compassion and are ready, they will naturally open up. In the musical Camelot, King Author describes his dream of a better world, “Violence is not strength, and compassion is not weakness.”

Compassion does not require the empathy of a situation.  It only requires the action of allowing another to feel their burdens lighter because you were willing to openly show love for them. One day, not too long ago, I went to an elderly lady’s home to drop something off. In my heart I knew she did not get too many visitors. Now, those who know me well understand I am not one for long conversations. But as we concluded the business part of our conversation, I knew I needed to stay for a while. We had a lovely conversation.  I was able to get to know this wonderful lady and the beautiful things she does for others. I was able to set aside my own agenda and instead show compassion by fulfilling a need for a sweet lady that more people need to get to know.

In her book, A Single Voice, Kristen M Oaks, said, “We need to make time to spend with other people. Too much time alone allows us to dwell on our problems and weaknesses and to magnify them. We can lose perspective and begin to wallow in our personal problems…. Viewing our highly sophisticated society with its often-fleeting relationships and our lack of concern for one another, Mother Teresa said, ‘The biggest disease today is not leprosy or cancer or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted, uncared for, deserted by everybody.’”[ii]

Every month I have the great opportunity to go to a foot zone therapist and work towards healing not only my body but my soul. As we were talking about a specific heartache in my life, she compassionately gave me some words to say to myself each day: “I allow myself to give and receive love freely. I am safe to be open and generous with love.” Compassion is just that.  It is freely giving love to those who need it.  It is putting aside our own desires and allowing others to feel comfort in their time of need. It is ultimately acting as Christ does and showing mercy to those who are struggling.

Thomas S. Monson said, “We have no way of knowing when our privilege to extend a helping hand will unfold before us.”[iii]  Just like the trials in our own life can refine us into better people, compassion can do the same. We just need to take the opportunity.

When we show mercy and compassion to others, it will come back to us tenfold.  I have learned when I show pure compassion to others it not only blesses their lives but mine as well. I change my mindset from “me me me” to “let me do this for you”. In a world centered on one’s self, it may seem that compassion is one of the last things we should try to make our mark in society. But it is interesting, the more you show kindness, love, patience, and acceptance to others the better this world will become. And that itself is a strength that leaves a beautiful mark.  

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[i] Matthew 5:7

[ii] Oaks, Kristen M. A Single Life. Deseret Book: Salt Lake City. 2008

[iii] Monson, Thomas S. Compassion. Reterieved on February 23, 2019 at https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2001/04/compassion?lang=eng

Violence versus Compassion

All Things are Done in Order

Single adult life in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a unique challenge because the gospel is beautifully focused on marriage and family. Having never married, I am blessed with a different approach to my own personal and spiritual development. I have always desired a family, but it seems my countless efforts towards finding a spouse always turn out fruitless.
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about life as a single adult. I mentioned that I attended a singles ward as a young single adult, but in the last several years as a mid-single adult I felt more fulfillment in my homeward.  I love my ward.  I am given many opportunities for growth and have gained priceless gospel insights from people of various ages and circumstances. I was told by my friend, however, if I did not attend a singles ward or go to their activities I would need to accept the fact I may never marry in this life. Feeling broken and hurt, I mustered up the only comment I knew how to give, “I have accepted that possibility but I am also living my life to the fullest. And I think that is enough.”
That evening I knelt with a heavy heart in prayer. I asked Heavenly Father to help me understand my circumstance and give comfort to my soul. My prayer was answered with a tender mercy as I studied The Book of Mormon.
I opened to 1 Nephi 7 and began reading, prayerfully searching for a message the Lord wanted me to learn. My heart was touched as I read half way into verse one, “… the Lord spake unto him again saying that it was not meet for him, Lehi, that he should take his family into the wilderness alone;…” The Lord knew that the opportunities for finding a spouse in the wilderness were slim. But as I continued to read, I had a better understanding of his plan for Nephi and his brothers.
“…the Lord commanded him that I, Nephi, and my brethren, should again return unto the land of Jerusalem, and bring down Ishmael and his family into the wilderness.” (1 Nephi 7:2)
I recognized that God is a God of Order. Events happen in his timing because he knows all things. I realized first, “the Lord commanded [Lehi]… that he should take his family and depart into the wilderness” (1 Nephi 2:2) to stay safe. Second, the Lord commanded Lehi to have Nephi and his brothers complete the challenging task of obtaining the “record of the Jews and also a genealogy of [Lehi’s] forefathers” (1 Nephi 3: 3) that were called the plates of brass. In addition to having a record for Lehi’s posterity, there was also much to learn in this process. Lastly, it was the right time for Nephi and his brothers to marry in order to “raise up seed” (1 Nephi 7:2).
I continued to read: “…the Lord did soften the heart of Ishmael, and also his household, insomuch that they took their journey with us down into the wilderness to the tent of our father.” (1 Nephi 7:5)
When the time was right, the Lord prepared a way for Nephi and his brothers to find a spouse. I was comforted and reminded the Lord also has a plan for me. When I strive to do what the Lord commands and listen to the spirit in faith, he will bless me with my righteous desire in his order and timing.

Understanding Competition in this Experience Called Mortal Life

There is a quote about competition that goes something like this: “A competitive person is always a winner. An uncompetitive person is always a loser.” Hummmm…. I don’t know. Does that mean that in order to be somebody in this unpredictable world that I must compete with others? Maybe I’m crazy but I actually love to see people succeed. Maybe that’s why I chose to be a teacher. But, honestly, my attitude wasn’t always like that. There has been a lot of work, understanding and experiences in-between then and now. And if you really think about it, crazy has nothing to do with refraining from “out doing” another. Rather, it’s all about our view.

This world is full of competition.  We learn it at a very young age and it seems to intensify as we get older. Maybe it’s because we feel, just as the quote implied, we must have the best car, biggest house, highest education, “happiest” family, and busiest life. And you know, the list doesn’t stop there. But why? Why do we strive so hard to be the “best”? Maybe, for some misguided reason, we think that if we are not the best (the only acceptable place to be) then we are less than. Or worse… a nothing.

Wikapedia describes competition as: “a contest or rivalry between two or more entities, organisms, animals, individuals, economic groups or social groups, etc for territory, a niche, for scarce resources, goods, for mates, for prestige, recognition, for awards, for groups or social status, or for leadership and profit. It arises whenever at least two parties strive for a goal which cannot be shared, where one’s gain is the other’s loss.”[i] So, needless to say, competition is everywhere in our lives and actually has a place in society that serves a purpose. Our society, in fact, thrives on competition. Just look at the advertising industry, for example. Not only does it bring about more businesses but it also encourages the possibility of widening the choices for consumers and getting what they want for the price they want.

The right amount and type of competition is good when done with a healthy frame of mind. Sports, for example, is a great place to teach kids that in life some win and others loose and how to roll with it. I teach my kinder students that when we put in our best effort, it’s ok to not always be the first.  This allows kids to look at their strengths and build on those while improving weaknesses. Competition communicates that we all have different talents and varying degrees of abilities within our talents.  

There is a great parable about three men who had varying degrees of skill. The first man was quite talented and put forth much effort to increase his talent. His effort paid off and was able to double his ability.  The next man was moderately talented. He also worked hard, and likewise, increased his ability twofold. The last man was a beginner.  He was worried about not being as talented as the others and decided to not put forth any effort. Something very different happened to this man because of his choice. Not only did he not increase his ability, but he lost it.  The first two men knew how to use their resources to make improvements in their talent.  The last man sadly was so concerned about his lack of ability compared to the other two that in the end, he lost his.

The last man in this parable describes how many, including myself, have turned competition into a way to compare ourselves in a negative, degrading way. We take those comparisons and rate ourselves as bad, good as, or better than someone or something else. We then use that rating and attach a price tag to ourselves.  It, in essence, becomes the definition of how we measure our worth.

About 20 years ago, I was headed to the beautiful county of Austria to serve the people in a 1 ½ year adventure. I talked to a good man named Nolan Karras the day before I left. He told me (or rather warned me) to not compare myself to others. I thought that was an interesting warning and I took it with a grain of salt. Looking back, it was very wise counsel I should have taken seriously.

I spent the next several years of my life comparing myself to others, without truly understanding what I was doing. I compared my talents, personality, opinions, and body to others.  I always took the less than side of the comparison as I looked at others as better than me.  I simply was not good enough from my viewpoint.  Not only did I believe it, but I also lived it.

I became like the last man in the parable. I chose to keep any part of myself to, well, myself.  I had talents, but never shared them fearing that I wasn’t good enough. I was under the impression that being quiet was a “bad” personality trait. So, I never shared my opinions because I didn’t think they mattered. And to make matters worse, I simply had to have the same type of body as many of my friends or what society deemed as “beautiful” because maybe then people, or more specifically guys, would like me. As a result, depression, eating disorders, anxiety issues, and other self-esteem issues created a pit I had unknowingly dug myself into. It always seemed that I tried to figure things out but they never worked because they didn’t turn out how I thought they should. I measured my worth from my standpoint and it didn’t seem like I was worth much. Many unhealthy views seemed to prove my point because I looked at others and they always seemed to be “winning” in life. I was throwing a pity party for myself and didn’t allow others to help.

My story is more common than some may think. Maybe you have similar story. I relate to a story about the people in Ancient America who experienced competition and all the consequences that came with it. The people lived in a land of peace for a while. They taught that everyone should love his neighbor as himself. They had to learn to love themselves so they knew how to love others. There was no need to try and out do another because everyone was doing their best and that was good enough.

The people were greatly blessed because of their way of living. Naturally, some started prospering more than others. Competition starting creeping in because they compared themselves to each other. Some thought they were better than others and started flaunting it by wearing costly clothing. Others lived a life of jealousy and took offence to those with more wealth. And still others withered away into isolation because they didn’t feel good enough. As a result, there was a separation among the people. This separation started causing great contention and ended up leading to war. Their lives, just like mine, were headed toward destruction all because they allowed comparison and competition to twist their view of themselves and each other. This led to unhealthy and incorrect behaviors and ideas. And in the process of destruction, they determined value on themselves and each other.

Life overall is a tough experience. However, just like the Ancient Americans showed us, when we feel loved or valued among our friends and family it becomes a peaceful and joyful experience. The world has an interesting view on value. They throw competition in the mix. In order to be considered valuable, we have to live up to then surpass what others have set as desirable. As mentioned earlier, the value of something in the marketing and advertising industry is controlled by competing products or services. In essence, the value is determined by how much we are willing to pay for something. So, here is the question: Is the value of something, like a loaf of bread, and a person, like you and me, determined the same way? Well, yes and no.

An eternal law is that the laws of justice and order are set. Or in other words, nothing can ever be destroyed.  We can reorganize the elements but they never go away.  Therefore, everything comes from something. The reorganization of the elements is what attaches value or price to the object. However, unlike a product such a loaf of bread, there is no comparison in price between each of us as people. It therefore takes the need for competition out of the equation. Let me explain. Take bread for example. If a person were to buy a loaf of organic bread that was made from wholesome ingredients with no fillers, they would pay more than for a loaf of sandwich bread made from white enriched flour and other things we can’t pronounce. That is because the ingredients from the organic bread costs more to produce and is hard to come by than the ingredients of the sandwich bread. The consumer who buys the organic bread is willing to pay the higher price because that is what the consumer wants in a bread.

We, people, are different. Because we make mistakes and sin, we were in need of someone willing to pay the price for our weakness in order to be saved from destruction and at the same time become who were are potentially meant to become. The great thing is that no matter our mistakes we were all bought with the same price. Each one of us was seen as most valuable.  There was no comparison in ingredients because the unique qualities in each person is equally important in the grand scheme of the eternities.  I compared myself with others not really understanding what I was made of. But the reality is that each and every one of us is priceless. We were bought with the priceless blood of our Savior. And if someone as amazing and important as our beloved Savior is willing to sacrifice himself to pay for our eternity… our eternal potential, than that makes every soul great because we could only be bought by someone who is not only great but perfect: our Savior.  He knew that our ingredients have the potential to be just like Him because we are all sons and daughters of God.

We are not meant to compete for our worth. Our worth is already set. Instead, we must only compete with ourselves as a way to improve and better ourselves. L. Tom Perry said, “You are not competing with anyone else. You are only competing with yourself to do the best with whatever you have received.” Life is a journey. Nobody’s life follows the same path because we all have different experiences that will help us be better people. It is those experiences that will help refine and better us to eventually gain the characteristics needed to be like our Savior.

I am living my own life to the fullest with my own trials, failures, and successes.  I have learned that when others are successful that doesn’t take anything away from my value.  They are living life to their fullest.  And that is cause to celebrate. Just like the three men in the parable, we are all given different talents of varying degrees.  I hope I will always remember to be like the first or second man.  They worked hard to increase themselves without worrying about trying to be better than others. I think when we support and love each other we all end up winning in this crazy thing called mortal life.   

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[i] Retrieved at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Competition on January 31, 2019.