The Art of Acceptance

Being a single girl in her early 40’s tells you a bit about myself.  I’m ambitious, a hard worker, self-sustaining, and independent.  As I ramble off that list, it may seem like an interview response.  But the more I think about it, when we want to be accepted don’t we all feel like we are in some type of interview?

The dating world has its ups and downs.  I’ve dated a fair share of guys.  In each relationship I learned something new. I had an enjoyable time getting to know some great guys and developed some deep feelings for a couple of them.  However, it seems many ended the same way: “I think all I can see you as is a friend.”  It’s like the word “friend” would somehow soften the blow.  It made me start to think….am I long-lasting relationship material? Or the real question: am I marriage material? Do I only qualify as a friend?  Could I ever be accepted- or more desirable, wanted- as a wife? Then I decided their opinion has nothing to do with my potential.

Maybe dating wasn’t or isn’t your “cross to bear”. My challenges are unique to me.  But I think we all come across those moments where we wonder if people will accept and want us for what we truly are. In the world of social media we portray ourselves as a person that people will most likely accept.  I’ve had many friends post picture after picture of their amazing life.  (Many of us do to some degree.) I wondered if their life could really be that great.  The answer is no.  Gary E. Stevenson said, speaking to a congregation about a social media post, “However, it doesn’t quite capture the full picture of what is actually going on in real life.”  

Sometimes, just like in social media, we put our best selves forward so we can hopefully be accepted by the other.  We don’t always show what’s actually going on. This is not abnormal.  In fact acceptance is one of the basic needs for survival, according to the American psychologist Abraham Maslow. But why do we want others to accept only part of us, not the whole of what’s really there?

For many people, opening up is hard.  That feeling of vulnerability is uncomfortable and life seems so much happier when we move along with that part pushed back into the shadows. But the ironic truth is that we are not happier, just insecure. I sat next to a man the other day who spoke about his struggle with acceptance.  He said he went along life going to work and earning money. He was very successful at what he did. He thought he was happy.  But he said the truth was he was just hiding.  He had anger from his childhood that was still very present in his heart and he came to a point that he couldn’t love.  The more life took its course, the more rocks he encountered on his journey. He came to a point that in order to be happier he had to be vulnerable.  He had to open up, forgive, and relearn to love.  He had to put down his guard and allow people to love him, the whole him, back.

Now, you may wonder what this story has to do with feeling accepted.  Well, because of the harsh things that happened in his childhood, he didn’t feel accepted by his family.  He chose to push them away and hide the hurt.  He chose to allow only one piece of his life to be portrayed and not the whole picture. I’m sure he thought why would anyone accept a broken man? And since he didn’t feel accepted, he chose to not fully accept others. Sadly, just like this man, many people struggle with self-love and acceptance. You can’t accept another’s whole self until you love and accept yourself.

The challenge is not to worry about how or if others accept us.  Rather, the challenge is to fear not, show your whole picture, and love yourself and others no matter what. In my case, I am in contact now and then with a few of the guys I dated.  I sometimes wonder if things could have happened differently.  Maybe we will never know.  And that’s not what is important. But, it has awakened me to realize that if I want someone to love me enough to be marriage material then I need to love myself enough to show them the true, whole me.  And yes, that shouldn’t all come shining forth right when I meet someone new.  But, I can’t hold back or cater to their opinion of me.  Either they love me or not.  That is their choice.  I can, however, show genuine love, kindness, and non-judgement towards them and anyone in my life, no matter what happens or happened in the past.  To me, that is what real acceptance is all about.