Mourning WITH Those that Mourn

It seems that lately I have been a little more sad than usual. These emotions have not been pleasant for me and I have feared being a nuisance to those around me. However, I believe my feelings have been necessary because they are enabling me to heal from a few emotional battle wounds that have resurfaced. Then if that isn't enough emotional charge, my body is trying to find a new normal after surgery. I guess I’m a bit of a mess but I don’t think I’m the only one who gets into these slumps. Many of us find ourselves in a ditch (or sometimes a hole) where your mood is off and you just don’t feel like yourself. And sometimes we just face really tough trials that put us through a tailspin and we need to get our footing again.

Just about everyone has heard or even said to someone else, “I know how you feel!” But do we really? Or have we just gone through similar motions?  Each one of us have experiences that can be similar to another, however, the main thing that makes them different are the emotions that are felt. So if we are not sure how someone is feeling how can we mourn with them?  I think this is why many of us morn for another instead of morning with them.  Rather than exercising our empathy we resort to giving a list a tasks to someone that they can try.  Or better yet, we tell someone to let them know when or if we can do anything for them.

In the dictionary the word “with” is defined as, “accompanied by”. The word “for” is defined as “with the object or purpose of”.  To put it in other words and then compare, with means that you are going about it together and for means to accomplish something without the help of the other.

There is a time and a situation for each of these actions to take place. Babies, for example, are helpless and are unable to feed themselves.  So, as caregivers we pick up the spoon and place the food in their mouths. We are doing it for them. However, our goal is to allow them to feed themselves. We are expected to gain experiences and learn in this mortal life. The Lord told Joseph Smith in the Liberty Jail, “Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.” (D&C 122:7) The Lord expects us to start to do things on our own and figuring things out for ourselves that we may gain experience.  However, that doesn’t me we should be all alone in our efforts.

Alma, a Book of Mormon prophet, was a former priest of the wicked King Noah.  His heart was touched by the words of Abinidi and was converted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. After he fled the king’s house, he preached to a group of people at the Waters of Mormon. He taught them the first principals of the gospel then as he started to wrap up his teaching he says:

“…and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear on another’s burdens, that they may be light:

Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; and comfort those that stand in need of comfort…”

Many take these two verses and separate them as if the Lord is asking us to do two different actions: do it for them and do it with them.  However, as I have looked and studied further in the words of the prophets in the Book of Mormon, I have learned that this scripture only focuses on the one action: with. In other words, we must allow others to have the experience while we support.

These days it seems to be asked to morn with another person is asking a lot. Many times I have thought that I have my own mountain of issues and that nobody is coming to my rescue. I’ve wondered why I have to take on another’s problems when it feels at times I can’t even handle my own.

But then it hit me.  It’s not about me or my problems or all that I have to do.  It’s about love. It’s about learning to be like Christ.

In John we read the shortest and one of most love filled scriptures: “Jesus wept.” (John 11:35). Of course Christ in his magnificent way was authentically teaching us how to mourn with others. He was teaching us how to show love to those who need it.

Martha knew that she could call upon Jesus when she needed help. So, that is what she did when her bother Lazarus died. Martha brought Jesus to Lazarus’ grave where they met up with Mary.

“When Jesus therefore saw her weeping and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled.

And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord come and see.

Jesus wept.

Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him!” (John 11:33-36)

Christ knew that Lazarus was ok. He understood perfectly the plan of salvation and the need for death. He also knew the power which he possessed and that he had the ability to raise Lazarus from the dead. However, he also understood that with death comes pain. He understood that these sweet people were sad. So he, being full of love, wept with them. He allowed them the experience to be sad and grieve.  Then, he allowed them the opportunity to act in faith and see the glory of God. (See versus 38-40)

Our Heavenly Father knew this life would be hard.  He knew we would face challenges and experience unpleasant emotions. However, without great sadness we would never know what true joy is. Alma the younger tells his experience of feeling exceeding joy only after he experienced pain. He said:

“…what joy, and what marvelous light I did beheld; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!” (Alma 36:20)

Heavenly Father knew that going through all the pain that we are required to in order to gain experience would be unbearable. So, he blessed us with each other and asked us to morn with each other. He doesn’t want us to take the pain away. Rather he wants us to bear another’s burdens and morn with them. He wants us to comfort one another.

So what does that mean?

Simple. 

Just like Christ did, we cry with them.  We listen to them. We are there if they need a movie night on the couch or a night out. We love them. We are interested in them. And mostly, we acknowledge and value their feelings because our feelings are real. Our emotions are what make up our unique experience. They make us into who we are.

The other day I was having a bad day.  There was something on my mind that caused me to doubt my course of action. While talking to my sister, she told me something that changed my thinking. She reminded me that we all have our own journey.  We all have to figure our own lives out.

She is right. We do have our own journey. And life is made out of a bunch of choices that only we, ourselves, can make. However, we are not alone in our journey. We get to morn with others and they get to mourn with us. We get to help their burdens become lighter while they help ours. And through that, our relationships grow. We get to experience great joy together because we knew great sorrow. Then our relationships become stronger, deeper, and authentic. They are the kind of relationships that is described in charity.

“And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” (Moroini 7:45)

If we incorporate charity in all we do, especially when we mourn with others, it will never fail. For charity is the pure love of Christ and that is a love that endures forever. (See verses 46 and 47).