How I Manage Anxiety by Taking Pessimism Out of My Thinking

Worrying is a problem in my life.  I am learning to manage my anxiety but sometimes it comes when I least expect it.  Each person suffering from anxiety has their own triggers that set them off.  Mine? I worry about the future.  I guess you could say that I am more pessimistic than optimistic.  And yes, it has created issues in my life that have taught me great, yet much needed lessons.

I recently experienced events that triggered some major anxiety.  Actually, to the level that I never experienced before.  I had my first panic attack after being involved in a car accident.  I have always been very cautious on the road.  Trust is an issue for me and I don’t trust other drivers.  I look in my rear view mirror often to make sure the other driver is an adequate distance from me. Usually when I am the passenger I tend to be more at ease.  But, ironically, that is when the accident happened. A friend and I were having a conversation and all of a sudden… BOOM… we were rear-ended.  My worries had become reality.

This accident was the cake topper for a few other negative experiences I’ve had the last few months including dealing with my own health issues. I had been feeling sick for a while and I just wasn’t getting better.  And because I tend to be more pessimistic, my mind went into irrational thinking patterns.  To add fuel to the fire, I made a wrong choice and researched online (not just once but I kept going back) some of the symptoms I was experiencing. Of course, the worst case scenarios came up at the top of the Google search. That sent me through a loop. 

I was so worried that I had some dramatic disease that would possibly disable me or worse, take my life.  You see, I recently saw my sweet dog Simon all of a sudden become paralyzed after having some back pain. And earlier in my life, my father found out he had cancer in his later 50’s and ended up passing away just a year and a half later. I was scared that something was going to happen to me also.  These thoughts gave me nightmares. And, the times I was awake, I was worring.  The thoughts affected my daily living.  They created an imbalance in my life. The reality was that I was just fine.  Nothing that a little rest, time, and the right medications couldn’t fix.

Anxiety is something you can’t just shake.  The mind is in a fight or flight state and the body does what it needs to in order to survive. It is normal and even healthy to experience occasional anxiety.  It is a type of stress that pushes us to get things done and work through traumatic events.  It helps us to solve problems and even reveals what is most important to us. We should be anxiously engaged in good causes. “But you may experience anxiety that is persistent, seemingly uncontrollable, and overwhelming. If it’s an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it can be disabling,” says the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.[1] Being stuck in this frame of mind is miserable. I have found that when I am in a state of anxiety, I lack truth.  My mind has an outlook based on ideas that are assumed, not proven.  When I find myself viewing life from this perspective, I have learned the remedy is one simple word: faith.

We know that faith is things that are hoped for that are true but not seen.  In my case, I get anxious when I fear what the future might bring based on certain negative experiences.  So, I guess you could say that my faith wavers at times. But, honestly, that is part of being human and something we are learning to strengthen. In my journey with faith, I have learned that it is a product of hope and trust.  Without hoping for then trusting in what is true, we cannot have faith. 

Faith takes a lot of effort.  In fact, it is an action. To have faith, we must do things in our control to show that we trust what is true and real.  For example, we have faith each night we go to sleep that the next day will come because we set our alarm to wake up.  Or, we have faith that we will pass an exam because we prepare for it by studying. When we take these action steps we are taking control over our situation. We are removing the fear and replacing it with faith.  Fear causes misery and anxiety.  But faith is the optimistic approach to living life based on truth.

Faith is not something we wake up one morning and say to ourselves, “Today I will have faith” and then expect to be anxiety free.  No, just like anything in life that is good, it takes time and lots of practice. I am learning to take experiences and see them for what they really are.  Just because something bad happens (life is full of hardships) does not mean that the worst case scenario will be the result of it. Instead, I know I can take the next step to move things in a better direction. I become the agent of control over the situation instead of being acted a pone.

I have also learned that just because something is hard now doesn’t mean that it will say that way forever. It is irrational to think that change will never occur.  Change is a part of life.  We always have control over how we will react to change and what we will do about it. (I talk about that in more detail in another article I wrote called Change is Inevitable… Do you build a wall or a windmill?) But thinking optimistically then acting a pone it certainly helps reduce anxiety when dealing with negative experiences.  I heard about the interesting difference in behavior between cows and buffalo at a conference I recently went to.  They teach an important lesson regarding the storms of in lives and how to deal with them.

Colorado has a beautiful landscape that has both the mountains from the Rocky Mountain Range and plains the Kansas Plains.  Because of this unique landscape, there are a few places where both cows and buffalo live in close proximity. Many storms come through Colorado and the cows and buffalo act completely different.

The storms roll from west to east.  When the cows see a storm they are scared and try to run away from it.  They do their best to avoid it but we all know that cows are not very fast.  What happens is that the storm eventually catches up with them.  They end up running with the storm and therefore suffering the pain and frustration of the storm longer.

The buffalo, on the other hand, does just the opposite.  When they see the storm coming, they run towards the storm and face it head on. Since they are running the opposite direction, the amount of time they must endure the same storm as the cows, including the pain and frustrations that goes with it, is shortened.

I have lived much of my life running from the storms, just like the cows. I do my best to avoid situations and while trying to avoid them I am caught in a world of worry and pain.  My anxiety rises.  But, I am learning to take the example of the buffalo. When I find truth in what is happening and do all I can to solve the problem, I am act like the buffalo.  I reduce my anxiety and therefore experience less pain and sorrow.

Anxiety is a real issue that many people suffer with.  It is scary and full of uncertainty.  However, I believe that just like many physical ailments we can heal.  Life is full of many beautiful and pleasant experiences.  Even the “winters” of our lives can be beautiful if we learn to see it.  Faith is the key to taking pessimism out of our lives and managing our anxiety.  Through faith, we can heal.    

Worrying is a problem in my life.  Pessimism, a contributor to my anxiety will always surface now and then. But the joy is that I get to do something about it. Winnie the Pooh teaches that when we look on the brighter side, life is always more pleasant and therefore easier to manage. Sure, anxiety will not completely go away.  If it did, that would cause an imbalance too.  But I can choose to think more optimistically and live in the present. Like Winnie the Pooh says, “Today is my favorite day.”     

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[1] https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety

What the beauty of winter taught me

Winter has always been painful for me.  The cold hurts and I get nervous from driving in the snow.  But I remember something that someone told me last year.  It has been on my mind now and then but especially when winter arrives.  This person said if you don't like something, look for the good in it.  Do things that are fun. So, that is what I did. The other day I went up the mountain to take some pictures of the snow.  I took a photography class last summer and I wanted to practice and have fun taking a few shots of the scenery. I saw winter in a different light.  It truly is beautiful in it's unique way.  I came to the Pineview Reservoir and saw this beautiful shot.  So, I took a few.  My mother suggested I submit some pictures to the KSL weather photo contest.  I thought about it and the next day I sat down at my computer and chose my favorite ones.  Later that night, I received a text from my sister stating that my photo had been featured on the KSL 5:00pm weather.  I couldn't believe it.  I had just submitted my photo just hours before.  I looked on line and sure enough, there it was.  I am so grateful for the risk I took.  It reminded me that you never know what might happen.  You just have to try.

A clip of the weather report when my photo was featured.

Joy: The Light of the World

Since I was young, one of my favorite parts of celebrating Christmas is the lights.   They make me feel so happy.  I love to see the lights that decorate trees, yards, and streets.  I started thinking deeply about this tradition last year, since every tradition has a reason.  Why lights at Christmas?  And, do they have a significant piece explaining the true meaning of Christmas?

Many of us know the character the Grinch in the story “The Grinch that Stole Christmas” by Dr. Seuss. In the story, the Grinch was very concerned about the good feelings that came from Christmas.  He being, well, a Grinch, didn’t want anything to do with good feelings.  After failing at stealing Christmas, the Grinch realized that Christmas doesn’t come from a box.  It doesn’t come from a bag.  The Grinch said it himself, “Maybe Christmas means just a little bit more.”  To me, that “little bit more” comes in the symbol of the lights.  In fact, the lights are the whole reason for Christmas.

So, what is light? Light is the agent that stimulates our vision to make things visible. So, of course without light, we couldn’t see anything. Objects are visible to us when the light reflects off them and enters our eyes. In a completely dark room, there is no light and thus no stimulation. The neat thing is, light and dark cannot exist in the same space.  If there is the tinniest of light, it starts the process of defeating darkness. Light is a valuable resource we use every minute of every day.  We need it in more ways than just one.

The sun, the greatest natural source of light, does more than give us light.  It warms our beautiful earth and its sun-rays give us a much needed vitamin to lift our mood: Vitamin D.  The sun is a literal source of happiness. Without it, we have feelings of depression, sadness, and hopelessness. And speaking as a person who has been there, this is not a desirable place.  But sadly, our world makes us think that we should get our source of happiness from places that don’t produce real happiness.  They can actually cause more depression if we rely solely on them because most of the sources are temporary.  The Grinch thought Christmas came from the store. The world thinks we can get joy from similar places.  I like to call them the Three P’s: possessions, positions, popularity.

The dark place where only temporary happiness is found is undesirable to most. Scrooge in The Christmas Carol lived there a good portion of his life. His soul, the combination of the spiritual and physical being, was deficient in spiritual Vitamin D. This spiritual Vitamin D, the true source of joy to our soul, is love.  In fact, without the light of joy, our thinking enters a different kind of reality.  The kind of reality that stops us from making any kind of progress.  Because, you see, without light we cannot see.  And when we cannot see we have no direction.  If there is no direction, we do not move.  And when we do not move…. we are stagnate. 

So, the question is, how do we get that love?  How do we find the light?  How do we find true happiness?  First, we need to stop striving to get it from the wrong places.  We need to stop worrying about what we have... our possessions.  After a short time, those fancy, new, fun things become old and worthless. As long as we have the resources to fit our needs then that should be enough. 

My sister Susan told me of an experience that happened to her while living in Ukraine:  There was an elderly lady who woke up one morning to find she did not have any food in her cupboard.  So, she did the only thing she knew how.  She went to a field to pick wild flowers so she could sell them where most people would pass by: the metro.  She planned to buy food with the money she earned.  Most people passed her by.  Wild flowers did not interest them.  But when Susan saw this woman, she stopped.  She asked the lady what she would do once she sold her flowers.  The lady replied, “I will go home.”  So, Susan bought the flowers knowing she was helping a little old lady help herself.  The lady didn’t have the fanciest car or clothes.  In fact, she was barley getting by.  But with work, she had what she needed.  And for her, that would be enough.  Susan was blessed with enough money to help her out.  And for her, that brought happiness.

We also need to stop worrying about positions. We live in a competitive world.  We feel that in order to be somebody we must have an important position. How false that is! Yes, we need to work hard to accomplish goals and reach our dreams.  But that doesn’t mean we need to all be successful businessmen or any other high ranking profession or position in any other area of our lives. What it does mean is that each one of us must be the best “me” we know how. We are all unique.  We all have different gifts and talents.  We ALL have something important to contribute to the world. 

There is a story called Giraffes Can’t Dance written by Giles Andreae and Guy Parker-Rees. It is about a giraffe named Gerald who doesn’t know how to dance.  The other animals make fun of him when he tries.  Of course, Gerald felt defeated at the thought of even trying.  That is until a cricket came along and told him, “Sometimes when you’re different you just need a different song.”  And with that Gerald found his song.  He found a way to dance.  And when Gerald felt good about what he had done, the other animals noticed. They said, ‘“How did you learn to dance like that? Please, Gerald, tell us how.” But Gerald Simply twirled around and finished with a bow. Then he raised his head and looked up at the moon and stars above. “We all can dance,” he said, “when we find music that we love.”’  We need to find what we love. We need to find our own song.  And when we do, then we can dance.  Or in other words, we all have a beautiful life to live.  We just need to find our talents and abilities to make it beautiful.

And lastly, we need to stop worrying about our popularity.  Social media has made it harder to tackle this quest.  The more views or likes we get on a post seems to send the message that we are liked and accepted among our “friends”. And then, of course there is the social seen where you must have many friends. And if you don’t… well then the world sends the message: Looser! And if we don’t do what our friends do, well then forget about being accepted. But Christ, the very reason we celebrate this wonderful holiday, showed us that we don’t need to be popular to be happy. We just need a true relationship with Him because He, Christ, is the light of the world.  He, and everything about Him, is what true happiness encompasses.  He loved even though he wasn’t loved in return.  He served even though He was spit upon. He did what was right even though the Pharisees told Him He was a sinner.  Was Christ popular? No.  And still isn’t. But He is the greatest source of happiness that the world doesn’t recognize.

I recently wrote the words to a song called Through HisEyes that describes how, through Christ, we can be happy. The end summarizes what He, through the Atonement, has done for us:

Our Savior gave us eyes to see

He gave us the gift of charity

I must see me through His eyes

Only then can I see my capability

Christ gave us the beautiful gift of charity, pure love.  He gave us the capability to love others without limitations.  He gave us the ability to see ourselves and others as He sees all and do what He knows we can do.  When we love and see others and ourselves through the eyes of our Savior Jesus Christ, we find the light that only comes from Him. We find the source of joy, our spiritual Vitamin D, which we all yearn to have.

No, Christmas or joy does not come from the store.  It doesn’t even come from fame or world success. Joy, real everlasting joy, comes from Christ who is the light of the world.  And to me, the true meaning of Christmas is just that, Christ. And every year at Christmas time when I see lights on the tree, I think of my Savior who was born so long ago and what He did for me that I too might have joy.  When announcing the birth of the Savior to the shepherds, the angle said, “For behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.”

Through His Eyes

Hard Things and Why They Bring Us Happiness

Many if not all of us have heard the famous English expression: “When the going gets tough, the tough get going,” And if we haven’t heard that, then for sure we have been told to “Suck it up, baby!” a time or two. Life for sure can throw us a curve ball. And just like that expression suggests, the curve ball can comes when we least expect. To me, that is what makes the hard things in life, well, just plain hard. But, those hard things are just the things we need to bring us joy.

Exactly five years ago I was in the worst physical pain I have ever been in.  I ruptured a disk in my back and the fluid was pressing on my spinal cord. Later, just before I had surgery, I found out I was headed toward paralysis. Over the course of a few months, the pain became worse. My back would go into muscle spasms and I literally didn’t know what to do with my body.  No matter how I turned or moved the pain would not go away.  Nighttime became the dreaded part of my day.  The pain seemed ten times worse. Plus, the darkness seemed to mock me as if to say, “You didn’t want sleep anyway.” Needless to say, life was throwing me a curve ball that I desperately wanted no part of.

Was this experience hard for me? Absolutely yes! I honestly didn’t know how much longer I could endure the pain, both physically and emotionally. But the thing is, I didn’t give up.  I kept searching for ways to fix my problem. The happiness I felt when I woke up from surgery and felt no pain is beyond words. I was blessed and learned a few things that would help me in the future. About two weeks ago my dog Simon was having some back pain. (They say the dog and the owner are similar….he he he ) That night, I was reading in bed and my other dog, Jack, was adjusting and kicked Simon.  I heard a yelp. In the middle of the night I woke up to find my poor Simon paralyzed. This horrific experience happened on top of other stressful events I am currently battling. With this new trauma, I didn’t know if I could handle anymore. But, because of my own experience with back problems, I was equipped to make some tough decisions for my dog… all in faith.

I’m sure we have all had a similar experiences where we didn’t know if we could last one more minute enduring a difficult situation or we didn’t know if we could handle adding one more thing to our plate. We are taken to the breaking point. When we get to this point we have two choices: we can push just a little bit harder or we can allow ourselves to break. It is a choice.

My marching band instructor in high school would always tell us to reach deep down inside and give just a little bit more.  I didn’t realize how much that would prepare me for life in more ways than one. (Thanks Mr. Wayman!) I have found that the place where you reach down and give just a tiny bit more (because most of the time that is all we have left) is the place happiness emerges.

In a marathon, runners come to a point where they have to reach down and find, then use, any extra gumption they might have.  I found this out when I ran the 2010 marathon in Los Angeles, California. In the race, it was all me. Sure, I had my brother, sister, and mother to cheer me on. But it was me who had to move my legs. Most people when they enter a marathon have one goal: to finish. They know they will not be the first to cross the finish line or even be the superstar. They just want to show themselves that they could do something hard. That was my goal.  I started out so excited. With each passing mile, I increasingly became more and more tired. But isn’t that how it is with most challenges we take on? At first we have all the faith in the world.  We believe we can do it… that is until we get tired. This is when we make a critical choice: either quit or finish. By the time I hit mile 22, I was done.  I had nothing left in me, or so I thought.  I wanted to sit and never get back up. In fact, I wanted someone else to pick me up and take me home. But for some reason, I kept going.

The process of a marathon is often compared to the process of life. T. Allen Armstrong said, “Champions do not become champions when they win the event, but in the hours, weeks, months and years they spent preparing for it.”  Just like a marathon, life is work. In fact, we are supposed to work. This work is preparation for becoming greater than we could ever imagine. Also, the work we do now prepares us to fight even tougher battles ahead. Because of my personal experience with back issues and the complications that come with it, I was able to take care of my poor puppy (he is my world). You see, it is one thing to take care of yourself but you become a far greater person when you take care of someone else. You are putting them before yourself. This doesn’t come naturally to people. We usually have to experience the hard to learn it. The true and pure joy comes in taking care of, or serving, another.

It is an interesting concept to think that to find joy we must experience pain. This concept, opposition in all things, is an absolute truth that creates diversity, choice, and progression. Without bad there wouldn’t be good.  Without pain there wouldn’t be joy. Without hate there wouldn’t be love. Without hard there wouldn’t be easy. Both sides of the opposition has a purpose. And because of opposition, more choices are created. And more learning is possible.

Think of opposition as a pendulum that swings back and forth. Each side of the pendulum is each opposite. The further the pendulum swings on one side the further it will swing on the other. This creates greater capacity.  Our growth broadens and we become capable of deeper feeling and more doing. Just as a marathon runner digs down and pushes a little bit hard, he becomes stronger from the pain. And thus, the running eventually becomes easier. When it comes to hard things, the more we have to figure out and endure, the better we will be when it comes to that really hard thing down the road. The more pain we experience, the more we will be capable of deep love towards others- that is if we choose to not let that pain destroy us.

The joy I felt when I crossed the finish line is indescribable. I worked so hard to train for my 26.2 mile journey. And I learned that I can do hard things. Following my marathon there were a couple experiences in my life that have been some of the hardest things I have had to face. They hit me to the core. These “hard things” have made me step back and examine what life is all about. I have and am still gaining a new view on the grand skein of what really is important. One of my relatives, Neal A. Maxwell, was diagnosed with Leukemia in his later years. He said he often wondered why he had to face such a difficult trial in his life.  Surly cancer cannot lead to happiness. And yet, being the wonderful person Neal Maxwell was, he proved that it can. He said that he knew he had to experience leukemia so that he could empathetically teach people. You see, there was a reason for his leukemia. An important reason. There was a lot of hard work and pain involved but the purpose would bring comfort to others and to him as he served. His comfort would come in perspective of the eternities. He said, “Such glimpses of eternity can help us travel the next 100 yards, which may be very difficult.” Our purposes are bigger than this life alone. There is eternity to consider. And the eternities is where most of our joy will be found if we do the “hard things” now.

So, does that mean we are only meant to suffer through the hard things just so we can get to the joys later? Absolutely not. Joy comes in the journey.  It comes in our attitude and faith.  It comes with love towards others and ourselves. It comes in doing good to others and being kind to ourselves. We are meant to have joy in every minute of every day. 

The hard things in life are meant to give us experience. Just like in the purpose of opposition, we need to feel the pain so we can feel the joy. Those hard things are what make us in to amazing people, if we let them. Learn from experiences. It will benefit your future and your happiness. Simon taught me some amazing things through this trail he is facing. He keeps a positive attitude, knows what he can handle, and is not afraid to ask for help. He tries hard each day to recover and has fun in the meantime (he loves to bark outside, chew his squeak toy, and snuggle in blankets). Most of all, he shows me love everyday. He forgets about himself and is kind to those who matter most to him. Is this trial hard for Simon? I’m positive it is. But, he is finding joy in his journey. And to him, that’s what makes him truly happy.

Change is Inevitable...Do you build a wall or a windmill?

One of the few inevitable things in life is change. There are many kinds of change.  Some happen gradual.  This is apparent in each of our lives as we grow older and learn new things. Our experiences transform and mold us into who we are today.  Other changes happen suddenly, such as an illness, moving, or graduating from school or a program.  Change can be internal or external. Good or bad. Some are big and others small. The point is, change is constantly happening in our lives in all its variety.

It seems that no matter how hard you try, things will change around you.  Some have found ways to deal and even embrace it.  But for many, change is a hard thing to accept. It is a difficult and uncomfortable process. So, they fight to stay the same.  In other words, they hold on to what they know.  I have found that both change and fighting to avoid change are stressful in their different ways. But, change happens for a reason and if we fight to shun the discomforts of change then we void the very reason change needs takes place.

One change happened to me a little over 10 years ago.  I was living in an apartment in the city, working full time in social work, receiving care for a health issue, and going to school to earn my teaching degree.  Life was busy but I was optimistic that all my efforts would one day pay off. On a Friday in January, I went to lunch with a friend from work.  He was a great friend and I looked forward to our time together. We had so much fun at Cowboy Grub (our favorite restaurant) but when we returned back to the office it was unusually quiet. I had that sinking feeling in my gut (that one I’m sure we’ve all had) and knew something was going on. My new boss asked me to come into his office where I also saw the head of human recourses.  They sat me down and proceeded to tell me what was happening. The non-profit agency I was working for decided they were changing the services offered and the program I was supervisor over was dissolved starting immediately.  I found out that while I was at lunch all the other employees were laid off.  I was the last one. Human resources- treating me like I was now the enemy- walked me to my office and watch me as I gathered my things, put them in a brown box, then escorted me to my car.  I felt degraded, not to mention in shock. I had absolutely no idea that this was in the works.  It was an instant change that dramatically affected my life. Not only did I not have a job so I could pay my bills but my health insurance was also terminated.  How could I afford medical care?  I went home and had to think how I was going to handle things.  The anxiety was on instant alert. I was thrown into change I did not choose. I had to make a choice: would I sink or swim?

There are countless articles and quotes on how to change ourselves to become better people.  I think this is because change is what leads to progression. We all know that it is good for us and in order to grow, we must change. But sometimes when a change happens (especially one we didn’t choose), the last thing we want to hear is that it will be good for us. Something in our life was altered and it is difficult to see how it can be good for us. The Webster’s dictionary defines change as just that: to make something different or to replace with another. Basically, what we are changing doesn’t stay, it is removed. I have found that change is very similar to the grieving. When something changes, we must go through a process in order to make sense of it. I think people don’t like change because it is simply hard.  The process of change requires us to rewire our thinking and emotions to understand what is different in our lives.  Most of the time this course takes time.

A Chinese proverb describes how change affects people. It says: When the winds of change blow some people build walls and others build windmills. I defiantly faced this predicament when I was laid off my job. I had the choice to find a different route to accomplish my goals, to just give up, or fight to keep things how I thought they should be. I learned it takes one or all of the steps of grief to understand what changed in my life. Also, I knew that if I were to build a wall it would only cause me to be bitter at what happened.  That does no good. In fact, anger, if we allow it to consume us, will lead us on the path to destruction. Walls also block other opportunities out. If we were to look at the saying “When one door closes another one opens” and apply it to our wall, we would not only close the door but we would bolt all the others doors closed to ensure that nothing else gets through. In essence, we are denying the chance of anything better to come along.

In order to allow ourselves to build “a windmill”, we must allow humility to enter into our hearts. Humility is the quality of being humble. Ezra Taft Benson, a great leader, said, “Pride is concerned with who is right, humility is concerned with what is right.” When change happens, we must let go of any negative feelings we experienced and focus on what is right. Humility doesn’t mean we are weak or passive.  That is what the world wants us the think.  Humility shows strength because we are showing we can manage our own feelings.  It gives us power to choose then do what is true. We can adjust to any change in our life because our eyes are open to what is right, not who is right.

In addition to understanding the good change can bring to our lives, we must also understand that not all change will benefit us.  Because of human error, pride, greed, and selfishness, among other reasons, some change can challenge our way of living. Some change may have the appearance of looking good but when seen in the eyes of truth it is only there to drag us down. When faced with these circumstances, we must turn to what we know is good and true.  We must never abandon our morals and values to adjust to what the world sees as good change.

So, how do we know if change is good or bad? Humility.  It is the first (I believe the most important) step to seeing change as it truly is. However, it is only one of the valuable tools we must be armed with in order to understand any kind of change and learn from it. These tools come in a variety.  They include support, experience, education, and service. Socrates said, “The secret to change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” These other tools help us “build the new.” The good new. They help us build our windmill. If I was going to move on and adapt to my new life, I needed to find a way to move forward. Not focus on what once was.

As a kindergarten teacher, I read numerous stories to my students. Some teach me great lessons and I often reflect on their message.  One book that impressed me is called little tree by Loren Long[i].  It starts out, “Once there was a little tree….filled with little leaves….” This tree, who lived in a forest, grew very attached to his leaves.  He loved that they kept him cool in the summer and attracted animals to keep him company.  The little tree was optimistic that he was going to grow to be a strong healthy tree.  However, change happened…autumn.  Even through the leaves on the other trees changed colors then fell off, the little tree decided to hold tight to his leaves.  He was scared to let go.  The seasons and years changed but the little tree still hung on to his same leaves.  Meanwhile, the other trees had grown new leaves and were also growing taller and stronger.  But the little tree stayed the same.  The story goes on, “Little Tree looked up at the other trees, at their branches reaching high into the sky. He remembered when the trees had all been his size. And he let go.”  When the tree finally let go it was winter… the harshest season.  But in time, the little tree grew and he too became big and strong.

What an amazing transformation the little tree went through when he finally decided to let go.  No, it wasn’t easy.  But after time, he was able to reach the potential he so optimistically saw in himself. Butterflies, like the little tree, show what beauty can come from the process of change.  If they stayed the same, they would forever be caterpillars whose only job in life is to eat.  But as they allow the process of change to occur in their lives, they become beautiful insects. These insects are not only beautiful in appearance, but they are also beautiful in their purpose.  Instead of just taking, they now give back to nature.  They help flowers continue their life cycle through their ability to pollinate.

As I look back in my own life, I see the process of change that started with the tragic even of being laid off.  That change led to other changes that were also difficult but necessary for me to get to where I am today. It opened the door to do my internship that semester, the last step required in order to enter into the teaching program and begin my student teaching.  At the end of the summer that year I had to move back home (being in my thirty’s, this was a hard blow to my self-esteem). But it allowed me to develop an amazing friendship with my mother that I will forever cherish.  It also allowed me to save up for my own home.  I now am blessed with a great teaching job and a beautiful home… all because of change.

Although change is difficult, it is necessary.  The purpose of this life is to learn and grow.  The only way for growth to happen is through change.  Humans (I’m very guilty of this) put up walls to protect themselves from the harsh winds of change. What we don’t realize is that the very wall we built isn’t protecting, it is only prohibiting. Humpty Dumpty teaches us a great lesson.  When he sat on the wall, he fell. The wind can be a force for good if we let it. It can give us power to do things we never imagined possible.  Let’s leave our walls down and build windmills instead.

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[i] Long, Loren. (2015). Little tree. New York: Scholastic.

Discovering Our Talents…How great they are indeed

I’m sure we have all been given the compliment “You’re so talented!” Most of us think of a talent as an ability that comes to us naturally.  We think that effort shouldn’t be required to get better, we just are.  But, if one of the purposes of life is to learn and we are automatically great at something, I wonder what the purpose of a talent is. Are they given to us for a reason? Talents seemed to be viewed as the abilities we can showcase but there are so many talents that people are not aware of or the world doesn’t seem to value. Those tend to be the ones that matter most.

I grew up with a girl named Brenda.  We went to elementary, junior high and high school together.  We were in band class and both of us played the clarinet.  I remember our yearly marching band camp and concert band trips to California. We had such a fun time sharing rooms.  To this day we still reminisce over the funny experiences we had. When we were together then and now, I watch Brenda interact with others.  She always treats people with love.  In fact, one of her favorite things in the world is to show love to those she cares about through hugs.

Sadly, there were times I did not appreciate her amazing gift.  Because of my own issues, I pushed people away, including Brenda. But she always stood in the shadows waiting for me to figure things out and then accept me with open arms as we reconnected. Brenda’s amazing capacity to love is indeed a talent that not everyone possess, but can. She had to work at it. Brenda has had many trials and struggles in her life that have given her the opportunity to open her heart and love others instead of shut them out.  Because of her choices and her hard work, her love is pure and unconditional. She sees the person as they truly are: a person of value and beauty.

Cotton Mather, a 17th Century American theologian and author, said, “Our opportunities to do good are our talents.”  The purpose of a talent is to do good for and to others.  Brenda is a true example of using talents for good.  Through her talent to love, she taught me that I am valued and loved not matter the mistakes I make.  That is a gift from Brenda I will always cherish and am currently working to develop. It is when we use our talents for our own personal gain that we change our perspective in life into one that is selfish in nature.  This change is happening everywhere. We live in a world where the central focus of a person’s life is themselves.  We often think, “What about me?”

The current fad in television shows is competitive reality TV. This past summer I watch World of Dance on NBC.  This is a show where dancers from all around the world come to compete for 1 million dollars by eventually preforming the top dance.  This show, and most all reality TV, is edited in such a way that it shows a piece of the competitor’s story, but this is only so we as an audience can connect emotionally with them. And if we do see their struggles, it is laced with loads of unnecessary drama. However, TV is not how real life works. TV is only entertainment. It is interesting that people fight for their spot on TV…. to get known.  Most use their talents as a vehicle to get there.  I’m not saying it’s bad to allow your talents to help you reach success.  In fact, finding then improving talents is a great approach to help us live a happy, productive life. But it made me wonder if we put more value on those talents that help us succeed rather than those that makes us better people. What is the difference between the two? Our mindset.

Dancing and other performing arts are definitely types of talents that can make us into better people.  As a dancer, I have learned about failure, self-esteem, and hard work.  But most people don’t connect those qualities with a performing arts talent.  They just see the wonderful performance and gawk over the person’s ability.  And this is where we get caught in the trap of using our talents for personal gain.  We motivate ourselves to work hard to gain a reputation, not to help others or better our personal self.  And that is where this mind set becomes not only twisted but also ironic because the purpose of a talent is to contribute to the amazing work of making this world a better place for all. This made me think of a lady I met many years ago who couldn’t showcase a skill on stage but she had the wonderful ability to listen. The sad thing is that if looked at through the eyes of the world, she wouldn’t be considered as talented as a person who could dance, sing, or paint.

Several years ago while I was attending college to become a teacher, I would volunteer at my mother’s school. She worked with a beautiful lady who knew how to listen.  When you talked, she stopped what she was doing, turned, and looked at you.  She didn’t think of what she was going to say next or worried that you came in at the wrong time because she had to get something done.  Instead, she was engaged in what you were saying and made you feel like your words mattered.  The conversation wasn’t about her, it was about the subject you brought up.  In the eyes of the world, her ability to listen would be considered a passive trait.  This is because the listener is allowing another to be the focal point. Talking, on the other hand, is viewed as the more active, strong trait because the talker is letting their thoughts be known. Of course both actions have their place and there must be a balance. Still, I view listening as a talent of strength, love, and unselfishness.  For when you listen, the other feels valued.

I’m sure this amazing lady didn’t wake up one day and decide that she was going to be a great listener.  It took work and time. To some it may appear that others acquire their talents so easily.  I believe that we can acquire any talent we want with the necessary work and patience.  Yes, it is true that some things feel harder than others.  But that doesn’t mean that we can’t learn.

Those who ever attended college know that writing papers is a common assignment. It was then that I realized how much I hated writing.  I would sit at the computer for hours, staring at it with no idea what to write. I have never been good at putting together words, both in the written or spoken form.  I stumble, especially when I am nervous, and many times my mind goes blank. But this past year, I read a book about journal writing.  I read how journaling is a great way to think through things and figure them out.  So, I tried it out.  I sat down and started to write.  The nerves dissolved because I knew no one would see the words but me. No judgement.  Absolutely, some of my sentences didn’t make sense when I reread my writing.  However, the more I wrote, the more comfortable I got. I felt my ability to express myself increased. I felt like I was gaining my voice.  After about a year, I noticed how much I enjoyed writing and received compliments on my style.  My weakness became (or is becoming- I’m still learning) a strength.  It took discovery, a desire, constant effort, and time.  I now see writing as something I love. It has been a blessing because it has helped me see life in a different light. I share my writing not so I can become famous one day or convince everyone that they should think like me.  I write because maybe, just maybe, through sharing my love of writing with experiences and thoughts, I could inspire someone. And maybe that inspiration could lead to making needed choices to have a happier, more fulfilled life. Most of that time, that one person is myself. The teacher always seems to learn more.

Talents, as shown in the story of me learning to write, are not limited to things that come natural to us.  If this were the case, we would be very limited on what we can accomplish in life. The first step in gaining a talent is to make a discovery.  To do that we must try new things.  We need to put ourselves into a position where we will learn and have new experiences. Then, we must have the desire to nurture it.  We can do anything we put our mind to.  It may take a whole lot of trial and failure but if we keep at it, pretty soon it will be second nature to us. One of my biggest pet-peeves is someone telling me I can’t do something.  I’ve had many experiences where I was told to give up.  I’m so glad I didn’t listen.

Sadly, we are too quick to give up on a talent if the motivation to keep going is not instant or what is valued by the population. Greed, power, and fame are the three things our world values above all.  The world tells us that if we don’t have money, and important position in life, and many people who know and respect us that we are of no worth. Many use their talents to get at least one of these three worldly possessions thinking that they will feel cherished once they earn it. I have found just the opposite is true. Worldly treasures are only temporary.  When I work hard to increase talents and then use them to help someone else, I am rewarded 10 fold by the way I feel and the qualities I inherit.  To me, that is far more valuable than what fame or fortune will ever give because those are the gifts that last for eternity.