Preparing Spiritually for the Storms of Life

Every December, I sit down to brainstorm a list of goals I would like to accomplish the following year. I have learned that in order to have a well-rounded or balanced life, you must work on various areas- physical, mental, social, intellectual, and spiritual. So, in December 2020, I felt inspired to begin my master degree- a dream I have long desired to tackle. Little did I know that it would contribute of one of the stormiest years of my life.

In Helaman chapter 12, Helaman recorded what he taught his sons. In verse 5 he stated:

And now, my sons, remember, remember, that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth is might winds, yea, his shafts in the worldwind, yea, when all his hail and mighty storm beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation where on if men build they cannot fall.

Life was obviously never meant to be easy. I believe God allows storms in our lives because they are opportunities for growth. But if we are not spiritually prepared, they also have the potential for destruction. So, how can we be spiritually prepared for the storms that will pass throughout our lives? Helaman answered that question. He said, “yea, when all his hail and mighty storm beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation where on if men build they cannot fall.”

In order for us to understand why we must prepare spiritually, we must also understand the purpose of life. Abraham 3: 24-25 outlines the purpose for the creation. In there we read:

And there stood one among them that was like unto God, and he said unto those who were with him: We will go down, for there is space there, and we will take of these material, and we will make an earth whereon these may dwell;
And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them;

In the October 2005 conference, President Henry B Eyring taught about spiritual preparedness in conjunction with this scripture, “So, the great test of life is to see whether we will hearken to and obey God’s commands in the midst of the storms of life. It is not to endure storms, but to choose the right while they rage. And the tragedy of life is to fail in that test and so fail to qualify to return in the glory to our heavenly home.”

The beginning of this past school year was the beginning of a very long and treacherous storm in my life. One night, I was watching a podcast on YouTube from Book of Mormon Central on that week's study of Come Follow Me. The instructor said a phrase that carried me through the year long storm. He said that we must “Walk With Him”. I wrote this phrase on my bathroom mirror as a daily reminder before I walk out the door and faced the world. What does it mean to “Walk With Him”?

Walking with the Savior is very different from just a morning or nightly prayer. It involves staying focused on the love He has for you while you make daily choices to keep his commandments and the covenants you made at baptism and the temple. Alma 34:32 teaches us, “For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors.” As we walk daily with God, we are laboring to become like Him through repentance. On the day we meet Him, we will know Him because we will be like Him.

In his closing remarks in the April 2019 General Conference, President Nelson commented that he hoped each of our homes would be a “true sanctuary of faith where the Spirit can dwell.” We can make our homes a heavenly place where we study the scriptures, pray to our Heavenly Father, and practice faith in our Savior. It can be a place where we can learn to prepare for the storms of life and but also a place solace. This past year, my home has been a place of peace. It is where I have been able to search, ponder, and pray. I have been comforted during emotional breakdowns, gained perspective and understanding on next steps, and fortified my life with gospel truths. Our Heavenly Father wants us to choose to return back to Him. He gave us agency for that very reason. Spiritual preparedness allows us to make correct choices so as Helaman testifies “we shall not fall”.

Building a foundation in Christ is needful for spiritual preparedness. Exercising faith in Christ is how we create a stronger foundation so when the storms rage, our house will stand strong. This year as part of our study in the Old Testament, we learned about the journey of the children of Israel. One day as they were carrying the Arc of the Covenant they came to the River Jordan. They were promised that they would cross over on dry land. They stood there and questioned, “ When will the water part?” It didn’t part until their feet were wet. Faith is action. Power comes when we act on the knowledge we have. As we continue to act on faith, our foundation in Christ will become stronger.

This year, I put my faith into action and participated in the Emotional Resilience class. I knew I needed skills to withstand the trails that were inevitably ahead of me. The ladies in that class shared their own stories and gave their insights that supported my trials. The first week of class we were reminded that change is a blessing. In the October 2008 General Conference, President Thomas Monson gave a talk called “Finding Joy in the Journey.” In his talk he stated, “At one time or another we’ve heard some form of the familiar adage: ‘Nothing is as constant as change.’ Throughout our lives, we must deal with change, Some changes are welcome; some are not. There are changes in our lives which are sudden, such as the unexpected passing of a loved one, an unforeseen illness, the loss of a possession we treasure, But most of the changes take place subtly and slowly.” Part of spiritual preparedness is having the faith to allow Christ to help us to change for the better- no matter how painful it is at the moment. 

Ether 12:27 teaches us:

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

As I look back on this year, I am grateful for the strength the Lord blessed me with to not just endure my trials but to change for the better. As I walked in the procession on graduation day to receive my masters degree, an overwhelming sense of gratitude filled my soul. I made it- at least through this trial. It taught me I can do hard things. With God all things are possible. One month later as I exited the doors of the elementary school I work at, again I felt gratitude. Not just because the school year was over, but because I learned what it truly meant to walk with God. He heard my prayers and supported me while I learned to trust Him. I taught the most challenging class of my career. I was beaten down and traumatized at a level only those who go through can understand. But I finished walking with God the entire way. And that is what saved me.

D&C 29:32 teaches us that everything temporal has a spiritual purpose. The Lord's work is to use temporal things to change us spiritually. Spiritual preparedness is the process of using temporal situations and conditions to build our foundation in Christ. This year, the Lord used my work and school to build my foundation and in turn, without me knowing, I was able to help prepare my students and others around me.

The Lord is constantly inviting us to come to Him. This year has testified that when we walk with Him through the windy and icy storms of life we will be made stronger. President Monson said, “Remember that you do not walk alone. … As you walk through life, always walk toward the light, and the shadows of life will fall behind you. …“As I [have] turned to the scriptures for inspiration, a particular word [has] stood out time and time again. The word [is] ‘come.’ The Lord said, ‘Come unto me.’ He said, ‘Come learn of me.’ He also said, ‘Come, follow me.’ I like that word, come. My plea is that we would come to the Lord.”

My plea with you is also to come. Come and walk with Christ in all you do. One of my favorite scriptures is Alma 37:36-37. In there we read:

Yea, and cry unto God for all they support; yea let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all they thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.

Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

The Lord knows this life is hard. Christ experienced all we have. He knows our pain, sorrows, and struggles. He also knows that as we come unto Him, and practice faith in Him, our foundation will be made strong and we will be able to withstand the fiery darts of the adversary and this cruel world. As we come unto Him, He will prepare us for the storms we will face which inturn will also prepare us to meet Him in the final judgment. I testify as we come unto Him, we will feel His love for us. He will comfort us and lift us up. Then as we look back we will see that he was always there. There was a thunder storm last night that reminded me they are only temporary. However, we must also prepare for them to assure that we are safe. I know God lives. He wants us to return to Him. He wants to bless us with all the choicest blessings He is ready to give. But we must also be ready to receive.

Finding Purpose by Letting Go

I’ve heard letting go is empowering. Letting go of past hurts; people; poor self-esteem issues; and mostly, expectations of how life is supposed to be.  I’m seeing that not only is it freeing but with every piece of baggage I release I am slowly able to shift my self-prospective from feeling broken to whole... to complete.

I always thought of myself as carefree.  But it wasn’t until recently that I noticed I’m just the opposite, or at least I’ve become the opposite. My shoulders and neck always seem strained and I have to consciously tell my jaw to relax from the clenched, stressed position. I puzzled me why is was so hard to relax. Then it all became clear. I have attachment issues mixed in with control concerns that cause anxiety. I hold on so tight that I almost always get injured in the process. Attachment to feelings, outcomes, people, and my poor self-image has been a problem that has stressed me out. It seems that trying to control every aspect of my existence doesn’t work in this mortal life. Not only is it inoperative but it also harms my faith and trust in God and closes my eyes to see his big, beautiful and eternal plan for me.

I was the typical little girl.  I tried to understand the world as I played Barbie’s and dress-up for hours. I imagined that I was my future self as I became Barbie or the star actor in dress-up. I speculated what my future would look like. I thought about where I would live and what I would be when I grew up. However, I mostly dreamed of my own family, just like my parents had.

I graduated from high school and started to make some big choices for my life. I chose a major at the University and worked hard towards that goal. Through each adventure, I met many wonderful people and participated in some amazing activities. I am so grateful for all I have been through and learned.  I would never give up any of the experiences I’ve had; some being life altering. I found great success in many areas. But also along the way, I collected baggage.

I often wondered if I was pretty enough, interesting enough, worthy enough, and mostly valuable enough to have people stick around.  Many friends came into my life and left while I was still holding on. Their premature leaving out of my life, from my perspective, always made a deeper cut in the wound I was always trying to heal from: Was I enough?  

As the years passed, I pondered if my dream to have my own family would become a reality. I had that nagging thought in the back of my mind that I wasn’t “good enough” for such a wonderful blessing. Each relationship breakup got harder than harder to recover from. I started to believe nobody wanted me because, I thought, there obviously was something wrong with me.

The difficulty of finding a spouse caused me to question if I would get to have children of my own. Every time a birthday rolled around I saw my biological clock tick away and start to ware out. Then a big bomb was dropped on my dream. I was diagnosed with endometriosis in January 2020 and was told that I would need to get an ovary removed and then be on medication until I went into menopause. The chances of me having my own healthy baby, especially at my age, were highly unlikely. The way I saw it, everything was working against me. The one thing I wanted most in my life and worked so hard to get, my hope and dream, was turned upside down.

It has been a challenge to let go of the image of how I thought my life was supposed to look. Mother’s Day gets more difficult each year. Someone, trying to help me feel better, said to me once, “But look at all the children in your life that you get to influence.  Don’t you think that makes you a mother to all of them?” Honestly? No. It’s not the same. The roles are different.

A teacher is a profession. I care for my students and want them to succeed. However, it is inappropriate to have a close personal relationship with them. Especially one like a mother has with her child. My role as an aunt is someone who is the sister/sister-in-law to the child/children’s parents. My relationships with my nieces and nephews are more like a friendship. I watch my sibling’s parent their children and I yearn to have similar experiences and opportunities. Yes, I can influence children but in a different way. A mother and her child have a special type of connection that a teacher or aunt don’t.

This lack of motherly connection has left a void in my life. Since I always thought I would be a mother, I’ve had to rethink the purpose of my life. I pondered if I’ve truly made a difference in anyone’s life. Do I matter? Am I enough?

These and many more questions were swirling around in my head when I came across a story in the Book of Mormon. I felt like my questions were answered with a tender mercy.

The sons of Mosiah left their home to preach the word of God after they repented and were converted. They started their missions together as they traveled in the wilderness down to the border of the land of the Lamanites.

“And it came to pass that they journeyed many days in the wilderness, and they fasted much and prayed much that the Lord would grant unto them a portion of his Spirit to go with them, and abide with them…

And it came to pass that the Lord did visit them with his Sprit, and sad unto them: Be comforted. And they were comforted.

And the Lord said unto them also: Go forth among the Lamanites, thy brethren, and establish my word; yet ye shall be patient in long-suffering and afflictions, that ye may show good examples unto them in me, and I will make an instrument of thee in my hands unto the salvation of many souls.” (Alma 17:9-11)

Upon arrival to the border, they separated. Each man was off on his own to experience his own journey by going through different trials and receiving unique blessings. However, there was one thing they all had in common: they had faith in God.

Ammon had a rewarding experience with King Lamoni and was able to see mighty miracles. The experiences of Ammon led to the rescue of his brothers in the land of Middoni. He found them in prison.

“And when Ammon did meet them he was exceedingly sorrowful, for behold they were naked, and their skins were worn exceedingly because of being bound with strong cords. And they also had suffered hunger, thirst, and all kinds of afflictions; nevertheless they were patient in all their sufferings.” (Alma 20:29)

It hit me, right then and there: “nevertheless they were patient in all their sufferings”. The Lord had told them before their journey that there was a purpose in being patient in their afflictions. Aaron and the rest of the brothers went down excited to teach the word of God. But instead of success, they were physically abused and thrown into prison. It was just the opposite of what a hopeful and excited person expects. Yes, they knew hard times would come but nothing like they could or would imagine for themselves. And yet, they were patient.

Life is never as we expect. We may have goals and dreams of what we want outcomes or relationships to look like. However, life always ends up throwing us a few curve balls. The key is to be patient in all our sufferings (a.k.a. curveballs) because there is a purpose to those sufferings. There is a purpose to the road we are traveling on.  There is a purpose to the people who come in and out of our lives. And there is a unique purpose to each life.

Elder Neal A Maxwell said, “Patience is a willingness, in a sense, to watch the unfolding purposes of God with a sense of wonder and awe.” Just like the Lord was directing and watching over the sons of Mosiah, he is directing me with a purpose. My job is to allow him to do so that I may see the many mighty miracles he puts on my path.

After Aaron was released from prison, he was fed, clothed, rested up, and then was on his way back out. He was led to the land of Nephi, the land were the king over all the lands lived.  Aaron was not held back from baggage he may have accrued from his past. Rather, he followed the direction of the Spirit and went straight to speak to the king. From that one courageous choice, he was opened to witness mighty miracles. He let the past stay in the past, let go of any hard feelings, and allowed the Lord to direct his paths. He was patient, flexible, and obedient in the direction of the Lord and was therefore blessed to see Gods purposes. Not only did his faith bless his life, but it blessed many others. He was able to see seven lands of Lamanites converted to the Lord. He was able to see them change their ways from a ferocious people to a humble, God-fearing people.

Positive Energy created a meme that says: “Just because you believed and it didn’t work out your way or on your timetable doesn’t mean that it’s over. God is planning something better.” We almost never know what God has planned for us. It takes lots of patience to see where your road it taking you. I have learned that when I hang on to things that don’t belong in my life or false hope of how things are supposed to be that I also hang on to an incorrect idea of who I am. Looking back, I was always enough.

All my experiences are leading to a bigger purpose. I am still in the process of trying to figure out and see that purpose. However, I have also to come learn that just because something hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it never will. I was promised a family and believe if I am faithful I will be blessed with one in God’s way and time. There are so many ways we can be blessed with a righteous desire. We just have to trust the process.

Each day brings more confidence as I learn to let go of some control on life and allow God to lead me. There is a scripture on my fridge that has helped me through some tough times.

“Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God and for his arm to be revealed.” (D&C 123:17)

Yes, letting go is empowering. It empowers me with the ability to move forward. It’s interesting how life has taught me lessons in situations I could nor ever would dream up for myself. However, I know as long as I trust God, have faith in his plan, allow things to flow in and out of my life, and be patient that I will be able to see beautiful miracles unfold before my eyes.

Mourning WITH Those that Mourn

It seems that lately I have been a little more sad than usual. These emotions have not been pleasant for me and I have feared being a nuisance to those around me. However, I believe my feelings have been necessary because they are enabling me to heal from a few emotional battle wounds that have resurfaced. Then if that isn't enough emotional charge, my body is trying to find a new normal after surgery. I guess I’m a bit of a mess but I don’t think I’m the only one who gets into these slumps. Many of us find ourselves in a ditch (or sometimes a hole) where your mood is off and you just don’t feel like yourself. And sometimes we just face really tough trials that put us through a tailspin and we need to get our footing again.

Just about everyone has heard or even said to someone else, “I know how you feel!” But do we really? Or have we just gone through similar motions?  Each one of us have experiences that can be similar to another, however, the main thing that makes them different are the emotions that are felt. So if we are not sure how someone is feeling how can we mourn with them?  I think this is why many of us morn for another instead of morning with them.  Rather than exercising our empathy we resort to giving a list a tasks to someone that they can try.  Or better yet, we tell someone to let them know when or if we can do anything for them.

In the dictionary the word “with” is defined as, “accompanied by”. The word “for” is defined as “with the object or purpose of”.  To put it in other words and then compare, with means that you are going about it together and for means to accomplish something without the help of the other.

There is a time and a situation for each of these actions to take place. Babies, for example, are helpless and are unable to feed themselves.  So, as caregivers we pick up the spoon and place the food in their mouths. We are doing it for them. However, our goal is to allow them to feed themselves. We are expected to gain experiences and learn in this mortal life. The Lord told Joseph Smith in the Liberty Jail, “Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.” (D&C 122:7) The Lord expects us to start to do things on our own and figuring things out for ourselves that we may gain experience.  However, that doesn’t me we should be all alone in our efforts.

Alma, a Book of Mormon prophet, was a former priest of the wicked King Noah.  His heart was touched by the words of Abinidi and was converted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. After he fled the king’s house, he preached to a group of people at the Waters of Mormon. He taught them the first principals of the gospel then as he started to wrap up his teaching he says:

“…and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear on another’s burdens, that they may be light:

Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; and comfort those that stand in need of comfort…”

Many take these two verses and separate them as if the Lord is asking us to do two different actions: do it for them and do it with them.  However, as I have looked and studied further in the words of the prophets in the Book of Mormon, I have learned that this scripture only focuses on the one action: with. In other words, we must allow others to have the experience while we support.

These days it seems to be asked to morn with another person is asking a lot. Many times I have thought that I have my own mountain of issues and that nobody is coming to my rescue. I’ve wondered why I have to take on another’s problems when it feels at times I can’t even handle my own.

But then it hit me.  It’s not about me or my problems or all that I have to do.  It’s about love. It’s about learning to be like Christ.

In John we read the shortest and one of most love filled scriptures: “Jesus wept.” (John 11:35). Of course Christ in his magnificent way was authentically teaching us how to mourn with others. He was teaching us how to show love to those who need it.

Martha knew that she could call upon Jesus when she needed help. So, that is what she did when her bother Lazarus died. Martha brought Jesus to Lazarus’ grave where they met up with Mary.

“When Jesus therefore saw her weeping and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled.

And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord come and see.

Jesus wept.

Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him!” (John 11:33-36)

Christ knew that Lazarus was ok. He understood perfectly the plan of salvation and the need for death. He also knew the power which he possessed and that he had the ability to raise Lazarus from the dead. However, he also understood that with death comes pain. He understood that these sweet people were sad. So he, being full of love, wept with them. He allowed them the experience to be sad and grieve.  Then, he allowed them the opportunity to act in faith and see the glory of God. (See versus 38-40)

Our Heavenly Father knew this life would be hard.  He knew we would face challenges and experience unpleasant emotions. However, without great sadness we would never know what true joy is. Alma the younger tells his experience of feeling exceeding joy only after he experienced pain. He said:

“…what joy, and what marvelous light I did beheld; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!” (Alma 36:20)

Heavenly Father knew that going through all the pain that we are required to in order to gain experience would be unbearable. So, he blessed us with each other and asked us to morn with each other. He doesn’t want us to take the pain away. Rather he wants us to bear another’s burdens and morn with them. He wants us to comfort one another.

So what does that mean?

Simple. 

Just like Christ did, we cry with them.  We listen to them. We are there if they need a movie night on the couch or a night out. We love them. We are interested in them. And mostly, we acknowledge and value their feelings because our feelings are real. Our emotions are what make up our unique experience. They make us into who we are.

The other day I was having a bad day.  There was something on my mind that caused me to doubt my course of action. While talking to my sister, she told me something that changed my thinking. She reminded me that we all have our own journey.  We all have to figure our own lives out.

She is right. We do have our own journey. And life is made out of a bunch of choices that only we, ourselves, can make. However, we are not alone in our journey. We get to morn with others and they get to mourn with us. We get to help their burdens become lighter while they help ours. And through that, our relationships grow. We get to experience great joy together because we knew great sorrow. Then our relationships become stronger, deeper, and authentic. They are the kind of relationships that is described in charity.

“And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” (Moroini 7:45)

If we incorporate charity in all we do, especially when we mourn with others, it will never fail. For charity is the pure love of Christ and that is a love that endures forever. (See verses 46 and 47). 

Celebrating Easter by Hearing Him

Life as we knew it has certainly changed, at least temporally. For many, it is a struggle because we have been ask to stay home, distanced from the world rather than going about doing this and that freely. But maybe this change, even though it is hard, is a blessing. I have seen miracles as this different way of living has not only brought me to my knees but the whole world.

The week before Easter is known as Holy Week.  It is the week that included many events leading up Christ's Resurrection. This year I have had the opportunity to ponder more personally those events and what they mean to me. As I was pondering, my eyes were opened to an experience I recently had while visiting Israel just last fall. It reminded me of the importance to slow down and hear Him, something this new way of living has provided an opportunity for us to do this Easter.

When I visit a new place, I love to explore and experience as much I can. My train of thought is that I never know when or if I will ever be back so it is vital I take in as much as possible. The day after my family and I arrived in Israel we decided to visit the Old City of Jerusalem, just down the street from where we were staying. Surrounding the walls of the Old City were places I had only read about in the Bible. And now, for me, they were coming to life. There was so much excitement in the air projecting from the crowds of people. Everyone was there for a similar purpose: to celebrate, experience, and worship.

The buzz of excitement lasted through the entire day. It was exhausting but vital to my energy level if I wanted to see as many places as possible. In the middle of the day, my family decided to split up. My group explored many sites on the Mount of Olives by foot. We walked up and down and around the mount visiting the Garden of Gethsemane and the Orson Hyde Park; seeing olive trees that were possibly there at the time of Christ; and enjoying the view of  Jerusalem at sunset. 

We decided to head over to the Garden Tomb hoping to get in before it closed. We made this our meeting place with other family members as a way to wrap up the day. The walk was uphill, navigating streets and dodging people along the way. I was nervous the entire way for fear it would be too late to see one of the places I most wanted to see. But alas we made it.

The first thing I noticed when I entered the gardens was the feeling compared to the outside world. It feel calm and peaceful. It was a welcome feeling, one that I had felt many times while visiting the temple. I instantly knew this place was special. However, I only chose to pause and enjoy the feeling for a moment because I was so focused on seeing the sites and getting some pictures.

We were told upon entering that there was an overlook to Calvary. I was so excited that I got to see two places in one. I headed over to the lookout only to be disappointed that it was now a bus stop. I got over the disappointment quickly by moving on in my agenda and looking for the legendary skull carved into the hill. I took a picture, paused for a moment and was on my way over to the Tomb.

I was so excited to be able to say "I was there" when I showed pictures of the Tomb. I wanted to get that beautiful picture I could hang on my wall for all to see who entered my home or looked on my social media page. However, before getting my pictures I decided to take in the experience. The public was allowed to go into the Tomb. Wow! What a treat! When we entered, I looked over at my mom and noticed she was emotional. I knew she was having an intimate experience. I craved a spiritual witness too. I wondered why wasn't I feeling those same feelings. That question stuck with me the rest of the week. It only seemed like a natural experience to have in the place as special as this one was.

I did get my pictures, for that is what I initially thought was important. However, I left the Garden Tomb pondering my experience and I longed to go back. That opportunity was afforded me as a tender mercy.

Our original plans changed at the end of the week. We were getting tired of driving through the country and didn't want to travel any great distances. So we decided to see more sites in Jerusalem. The Garden Tomb was one place everyone wanted to see again. This time my heart was ready.

I chose to focused on the Savior, His Atonement, and Resurrection. This was the site were Easter took place and I wanted to feel it.  What I felt there that evening was a special connection between me and my Savior. I felt His love for me. I felt Him listening to my pleas and blessing me with comfort. I bear witness of the significance of the Atonement, Crucifixion, and Resurrection of Jesus Christ. I know each event did happen and that Christ lives. And as a tender mercy, I learned what is required to be able to Hear Him.

When Christ visited the Americas, as accounted in the Book of Mormon, our Heavenly Father attempted to get the peoples attention three times before they were able to understand his voice.

And again the third time they did hear the voice, and did open their ears to hear it; and their eyes were towards the sound thereof; and they did look steadfastly towards heaven, from whence the sound came.
And behold, the third time they did understand the voice which they heard; and it said unto them:
Behold my Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased, in whom I have glorified my name- hear ye him. (3 Nephi 11:5-7)

Our Heavenly Father, in His goodness, gives us many times to refocus our attention to hear our Savior. Jesus Christ. Christ has declared unto us, "And behold, I am the light and the life of the world.." (3 Nephi 11:11). His words have been recorded in the Book of Mormon as another testament of Him and his gospel. Joseph Smith testified that as we read the Book of Mormon that "...man would get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts, than by any other book." (Introduction of the Book of Mormon) His words invite all ..."to come unto him and partake of his goodness..."  This goodness is more than we could ever imagine. But first, we must choose to hear Him.

Similar to my experience at the Garden Tomb, our loving Heavenly Father has given us, as his sons and daughters, an opportunity to refocus our ears and eyes towards is Son this Easter. He wants us to hear Him. He wants us to follow Him.  He wants us to come back to Him someday having experienced a beautiful life of repentance and striving to be like Him each day.

I now look at my pictures of the Garden Tomb as a reminder of the beauty of repentance and the gift I was given in the form of a lesson.  I was taught of how important it is to slow down and focus my attention on my Savior. Heavenly Father is a merciful being. He allowed me to experience something I needed to learn instead of just giving me feelings I thought I was entitled to receive.

I hope at this Easter time, when we have been given a chance to be still and hear His words that we will see the significance of the events that happened the week leading up to our Saviors Resurrection. I hope we will see the endless love he has for all us and the desire he wants us to return to his presence. And I hope that as we hear his words we will have faith to act on those words.

And moreover, I say unto you that there shall be no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the children of men, only in and through the name of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent. (Mosiah 3:17)

Thine Afflictions Shall be But a Small Moment

During difficult times it is easy to feel forgotten. Joseph Smith felt exactly that when he was imprisoned in the Liberty Jail. Through his deep and sincere prayer, he was comforted and reminded that he was not nor ever would be abandoned. In D&C 121: 7&8 the Lord comforts Joseph, and it is meant for us also, when he said:

My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

Remember that our loving Heavenly Father is aware of all we are going through.  He is aware of the uncertainty we are currently facing. And, if we allow him, he can use this time to sanctify us. We can become better people for enduring the trials we are going through.

Each of us is affected a little different that the other right now.  Some have lost jobs others have medical issues and have to wait a little longer to have surgeries. Some face intensified anxiety and/or depression and others have been denied the celebration of a milestone in their lives. Whatever you struggle please know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you and will comfort you in your struggle. They want us to call upon them; to draw closer to them. It is through our Savior we can find peace, joy, and comfort in the most difficult of circumstances. He knows how it feels. He has been in our place for he has descended below us all that we might be lifted up.

The Lord told Joseph the key to enduring though a hardship. We can find it in D&C 123:17:

Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Go forward with faith.  Find the joy and blessing in this hardship and call upon God at all times.  I know as you do this you will be given the strength and power to endure this time well and be sanctified in our Savior Jesus Christ.

How Firm is Your Foundation When Faced with Fear?

Music has proven to be a power tool in times of distress. I often find myself humming a song when I’m nervous, scared, or overwhelmed. One of my favorite songs of all time is called How Firm a Foundation written by Robert Keen back in the 1700’s.  It was published in the first Hymn book of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in 1835. I think what first interested me in this hymn was its catchy tune. However, the words never became more powerful until just this last week.

In verse three we sing:

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.

I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

Fear is an inevitable factor in the lives of people. The times we are living in is unique any other time in history. Technology plays a huge role in that. We seem to know about everything going on in the world that sometimes life gets overwhelming and scary. I know I am exhausted and nervous by all the stimulus and yet, it doesn’t stop. We defiantly live in a time when many things plague us. I had the opportunity a week ago to attend a leadership conference where Elder Holland was in attendance. I learned that most plagues now days are more moral than anything. With this virus pandemic on our minds, that may be a little hard to agree with. However, if you take a look at actions of the people which is a reflection of their hearts, you will see the inspiration in that message.

We see how fear can disrupt our hearts illustrated in one of my favorite stories of Peter in the New Testament. Life has brought some particularly rough struggles for me this past year. In one specific weak moment, my sister Chris taught me about Peter. Just like all of us, Peter worked daily on his weaknesses. If you couldn’t already guess, one of his shortcomings was fear, similar to many of us.

One evening after Christ had performed the miracle of feeding the 5,000, he asked his apostles to go wait for him in a boat. This particular evening, the sea was rough. This was a common occurrence for the wind to blow across the waters. Many of the apostles were fishermen and had grown accustomed to the turbulent sea. However, while they were waiting for their Master to meet them, their fear grew.

Christ finally arrived. The scriptures tell us that when the apostles saw him they were afraid.  They knew he was coming. He told them to wait for him. Yet I believe since there was already fear in their hearts they did not recognize him. In his efforts to bring peace to their souls, Jesus quickly spoke saying, “Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.” (Matthew 14:27)

Peter had so much desire to have faith in his Master.  He wanted to go to him. Jesus, as always, invited him to “Come”. Peter stepped out of the boat and for a short time walked on the water. However, after a few minutes, Peter lost his focus and instead of seeing Christ, he saw the rough waters.  This is when he sank. Christ did not want Peter to sink. He immediately and lovingly stretched forth his hand and invited Peter to take hold. Jesus then asked, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” (verse 31)

When Peter had his focus on the Savior the winds and rough waters didn’t bother him. It was only when he shifted his focus to the world and the scary things going on around him that he sank. President Nelson, while inviting us to prepare for conference, said, “In the scriptures, there are very few sacred instances in which the voice of God the Father has been heard.  So, when He says something, we really need to listen.  Repeatedly, He has personally introduced His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, with a specific charge to “Hear Him!”’

Our Savior has repeatedly asked us to not fear but to have faith in him. Too often our hearts turn away from him and we fear.  As we have seen already in society, when we fear, we do irrational things. Our decisions out of fear cause us to act in ways that only harm ourselves, families, and society.

Fear just doesn’t happen when we are faced with a pandemic.  We encounter fear in our everyday lives. May times we act out of fear that pushes us way from our Savior. These actions often lead to immoral choices which create plagues that destroy.

Just as Christ was with Peter, he is with us. His hand is always stretched out, we just have to choose to take it. Elder Holland often refers to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints as one of happy endings. Everything will work out. When we sing How Firm a Foundation we are reminded: “I am thy God and will still give thee aid.” When we come to him, we will help us through the rough patches. And while all the hard and scary are going on, we are given the miraculous gift of finding joy.

I know joy can come when the world is scary. The key is to stop, listen to, and follow what our Savior Jesus Christ has told us. When we follow him, he promises joy beyond what we can comprehend. For me, the power of the words in the song came when I humbled myself and chose to have faith instead of fear. This is when he will give strength and “cause thee to stand” while facing perilous times.

Away in a Manger

Stone manger in Israel via huntsmansintheholyland.blogspot.com

In the town of Greccio, Italy in 1223, St. Francis of Assisi created the first Nativity scene to help his parishioners understand the humble beginnings of Christ’s birth. He later told a friend, “I want to do something that will recall the memory of that Child who was born in Bethlehem, to see with bodily eyes the inconveniences of his infancy, how he lay in the manger.”

Since this time, the manger has been a symbol of the humble conditions of Christ’s birth. The song “Away in a Manger” focuses on the manger in the events that happened in Bethlehem more than 2000 years ago. As the song opens, we sing:

    Away in a manger

    No room for a bed

    The little Lord Jesus

    Lay down his sweet head

At the time of Christ’s birth, Mary and Joseph, along with many others, set off on a pilgrimage “to be taxed, every one into his own city.”(Luke 2:3) Joseph, being from the lineage of David went to Bethlehem. Mary, a devoted spouse, went with him even though she was approaching full term of her pregnancy. Since there were so many people in the city of Bethlehem at this time, there was not much space for privacy, especially to give birth. But a cave was found for them where the animals were housed. There, Christ was born in humble conditions then wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid in a manger.

The humble shepherds are also well known in the Christmas Nativity. However, they set an example for us. They were the first to focus on the manger and their king whom laid therein. The dedicated shepherds left their livelihood, their flocks (their 90 and 9 sheep) to come and see the One: the Lamb of God. As they came with haste to worship the babe lying in a manger, they “reverently approached the stable. "And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child." (Luke 2:17)

Just as St. Fransis recognized the humble beginnings of Christ's life, I also think on the manger. It symbolizes the way Christ lived his life. He was humble in all he did and said. He always went about doing good, never flaunting the miracles he performed. Rather they were done lovingly and usually in private, focusing on the one. And then still, with a difficult sacrifice ahead of him, he humbly, lovingly, and privately went into the garden for each one of us, individually. The greatest miracle of all was given to us as a gift: His Atonement.

This Christmas season, as we celebrate the coming of our Savior, remember the symbol of the manger. Instead of endless shopping, activites, and decorations strive be as the shepherds and come with haste to worship the one, the Holy One of Israel. Let us think of the babe lying in a manger who grew up and went about doing good. And let our hearts swell with gratitude as we ponder about the precious gift he gave to us in the garden. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotton Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved" (John 3:16 &17)

You Are Loved

If you are anything like me, life can overwhelm you to the point where you shift into survival mode. It seems that once you are in survival mode, it is very hard to get out because life keeps throwing stressors at you from every angle. All you can do at this point is defend yourself from the darts. And sometimes, when you feel all you can do is survive, good things can feel like darts too.

I have an amazing opportunity to be a presenter at professional development conferences for teachers in my district this year. I love to present and share my ideas. My district recently held a conference where I presented in four of the six sessions. There was a buzz and excitement to the experience that rapidly drained my already limited emotional reserves. Life has felt chaotic lately and I have had stressors hit me in all areas. It's resulted in expending more energy then I perceived to maintain my daily life. Well, I knew things were catching up with me when during the last presentation I hit a brick wall. It seemed like the only thing I could think of to kept me functional was to rely on the routine of the presentation. I didn't realize how drained I truly was until I returned home and found myself in an emotional state. It was one which causes you to roll up in a ball when the next little bit of stimulus hits you. It came just shortly after sitting down to relax in the form of an article I read from a church magazine. It was supposed to be uplifting but it had just the opposite effect on me. It left me depressed, anxious, alone, rejected, overwhelmed and above all, unloved. I felt guilty that something meant for good could trigger such negative feelings.

Life now days has positioned us to have these types of experiences more often. We are told by society that we must be superman or superwomen to make any kind of impact on the world or to have any kind of purpose. And then when we can't handle all the pressure, we have our melt downs.

I think that sends a message that we aren't receiving: SLOW DOWN, BREATH, and then SIMPLIFY.  It's not that we are weak or unable to get things done. Rather, I don't think we are meant to take on the world. I don't think we should require ourselves to be that superbeing we expect from ourselves. However, I do believe that life is meant to be tough. If we didn't do hard things we could never grow.

Just say this to yourself: I CAN DO HARD THINGS!

Peter, the chief apostle, first met Christ when he was a fisherman.  He was unlearned and untrained in the things he would soon be required to do. He had much doubt and disbelief at times. And just like all of us, his personality flaws got in the way of communicating the true desires of his heart. Peters greatest desire was to follow Christ. He wanted more then ever to be a disciple of his Master and act on his faith and desire to come unto him.

After Christ fed the five thousand, he asked his apostles to go into the boat and wait while he "sent the multitudes away." (Matthew 14:22) Christ then went up to the mountains to pray into the evening. While Peter and the other apostles were waiting for Christ, the waters in the sea became rough. The Sea of Galilee often experienced high winds and rough waters. Since Peter was a fisherman he had spent much time on this sea. Thus Peter was familiar with the situation. Yet, it was still a storm and a lot to handle. Then if the storm wasn't enough to worry about, the apostles looked out on the sea and saw someone coming towards then.

"And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.
But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer, it is I; be not afraid." (Matthew 14:26-27)

What happens next is what sets Peter, the unlearned flawed fisherman, apart from the rest. His faith was manifested in his actions which allowed a miracle to take place. Peter was called by Christ to come to him. And he, being just like all the others, was afraid. However, he was enabled to walk on the water, as Christ did, only because he had a willing heart to act and follow his Master.

"And he said Come. And when Peter was come down out the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?"(Matthew 14:29-31)

I find myself in the position Peter found himself in. I have all the faith I need until I notice the winds and then doubt sets in and I sink. And just like he did with Peter, the Savior stretches out his hand and offers to save me from my lack of faith- from drowning.

Nobody knows for sure how far Peter walked out onto the water before he sank. And the scriptures do not expound how they got back to the ship. However, one can only assume that they walked back to the ship together. We can only go so far on our own. However, when we walk hand in hand with the Savior we can always do hard things. We can always do things that we never thought were possible.

In his experience with Peter, Christ showed us how to love. I notice that when things in life get too overwhelming, my biggest need is to be told that my feelings are valid. I need to know that even though I am afraid, I am still loved. I need to know that I am still a good person even though I mess up or falter. This is hard to see when in a state of survival. My sight gets narrow and all I see are the darts coming straight towards me.  I have learned, however, it is imperative to not allow fear to hinder my faith. Even though I feel I have no strength during these times, I know that through small acts of faith I have just enough strength to stretch forth my hand to come unto my Savior. This is when I recognize the Savior and those around me were showing they loved me all along. I just didn't see it.

There is a poem that I think of often when I'm feeling alone called "Footprints". The unknown author describes the man in the poem feeling the most alone during the hardest times of his life.  When he inquired the Lord why this was so, the Lord replies:

My son, my precious child,

I love you and I would never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffering,

When you see only one set of footprints,

it was then that I carried you.   

The Lord will never leave you. He is there, just as he was for Peter, waiting for you to stretch forth your hand that he may save you. It is always there without price but it takes faith and hope to see the pure love the Lord will always have for you.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong  unto them.
Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me- the fountain of all righteousness." (Ether 12:27-18)

When we are humble, meek and come unto Christ, we are blessed to truly feel of his great and pure love.

Moroni taught:
"Wherefore, my beloved brethern, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen." (Moroni 7:48)

We must always remember to face our fears head on knowing that Christ is beckoning us to come unto him. It is through trials that we are humbled and get to truly feel the love he has for us. Yes, Peter had his flaws and shortcomings. However out of all the men on the ship, Peter was the only one who had enough faith to brave the storm and come unto Christ. His love for and faith in Christ allowed him to do what no other mortal had done: walked on water. And even though he doubted along the way, Christ still loved him. There is something about a hardship that humbles us enough to transform us. Through that transformation we are made pure and in the process gain a deeper relationship with our Savior. He knows the pain and hardship each one of us experiences. He felt it himself. Above all, he loved us so much that he chose to become subject the the ultimate sacrifice and die for all mankind that we might choose to follow him and partake of the precious give of eternal life.

When life is overwhelming and you are numb to the love that family, friends and Christ have for you, please know that just because you don't see it doesn't mean its not there. Pure love never hinges on your level of perfection or how much you can take on at one time. We are loved because we are valued to one another. And if we, being mortal with flaws, can love greatly, just think of how much your Savior loves you, he being perfect.

My Writing Journey: A Proper Romance

I am participating in the Writing contest: You are Enough, hosted by Positive Writers. This is my entry.

Most love stories involve a bit of drama at the right moments, a whole lot of emotion, and, of course, a happy ending. My story of becoming a writer is exactly that, an exciting and unique romance. There were definite moments of drama and I discovered feelings that were new to me. Yet, through all the trials, I came to fall madly in love with writing. It wasn't always like that. The beginning of my relationship with writing was a bit rocky. I truthfully was not fond of writing. I guess you could say that it wasn't fond of me either. However, it is interesting to experience how irony unfolds in unexpected places of your life.

I’ve learned a weaknesses can become your strength. Or in other words, that very thing with which you struggle can eventually become one of your greatest attributes. Maybe it’s because you struggle so much with it that you are constantly working on it. Or I wonder if that weakness is the very thing missing in your life. Then somehow, you find it, strengthen it, and eventually use it to fill the void.

I grew up a quiet girl whom was rarely noticed.  Some may say I blended into the background. Honestly, I was quite comfortable there.  Probably because I struggled with words.  I never knew what to say and writing was a frustrating, chaotic feat. Looking back I realize that deep down inside I didn’t feel like my words mattered.

This was a norm for me, at least until I hit the age of 40. I often heard that life in your 40’s is different: you finally start to figure a few things out about your life. This appeared to prove true in my own life. My situation in life seemed to have gone a completely different direction then I expected and I was working on making sense of it. I found myself in a bookstore one day. With a handful of books ready to buy, I mazzed my way through different sections of the store headed for the register. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a plain book humbly sitting between many other books with flashy covers. The word “journal” printed in small letters jumped out at me in the subtitle of the book. For some reason I stopped and picked it up. This was curious to me as I was not much of a journal writer. In fact, my relationship with writing still needed some intervention. I thought, however, that possibly this simple looking book could provide answers to some of my life boggling questions. Maybe, just maybe, I was having a serendipitous moment, or perhaps it was a change of heart. I like to think of it as divine intervention for at that moment I knew I needed to read the surprisingly interesting book because for me, it would be life changing.

A characteristic of any improving relationship, I started to see things through different eyes. I realized that I could write down all the words that came to my mind on paper, and that no one would judge me for them. It was a private conversation between my heart and my mind. I could stumble, go blank, and write gibberish and that was ok because that was what was in my mind. That was how I felt. I noticed the more I wrote the more I loved it and the more I loved it the better things got. I was finding my voice and in turn was gaining my confidence. I was experiencing something that was new to me and it felt exhilarating!

I have now fallen deeply in love with writing. I realized that the more I nurture the ability to express my thoughts and feelings, the stronger my relationship with writing becomes. It knows me better than anyone else. It doesn’t judge me, only accepts me as me, just as I am.

My safe haven

Once a weakness, writing- the very thing that terrified me growing up- has ironically become my saving grace. It strengthens me.  It loves me.  It lifts me up. It is a precious gift I was given that I want to share.

Now I love to share my words.  I love to share my ideas and thoughts because for the first time in my life, I feel like my words matter. Furthermore, I feel we all have hidden talents. We tend to compare ourselves to others and thereby deem ourselves unworthy or incapable. I feel I went too long hiding my voice. However, I have learned that our talents and gifts are given to us for a reason: we are expected to find them, work on them, and share them. You never know whom your words will touch for the better. 

Life is too hard to do it on your own. Sharing experiences and stories, both happy and sad, help others to feel they are not alone. I once felt alone, but writing has shown me that I have a place in this world. I matter. I am enough. I am loved.

The Significance of His Name

Many have heard the popular question "What's in a name?" But have you really stopped and thought about the significance your name has in your life? A name has the power to hold a person’s identity in one single word.  Its how we are known and referred to in this world. Their name is the first word that comes to mind when another is thinking of a specific person. Needless to say, names are very personal.

I started thinking more about names this past summer. I have always loved to read, but books have never captured so much of my attention in absolute enjoyment as they have recently. And while I like a variety of books, my favorite genera is regency period novels.  One thing that sticks out to me in these books is how the people are addressed.  It is understood that the first name is held at the highest respect and only used by those who are closest to that person. When use, it indicates a higher level familiarly. Therefore, out of respect, a person must be given permission to use it.

The people who lived during the regency period viewed surname as more than part of their identity. It held their reputation among society. It gave them security in their future and belonging. To the people in the regency period, the surname was of upmost importance.

And so, to answer that well known question: everything.  Everything is in a name.  They should be respected and honored. And yet sadly, our name is one of the first things attacked by those closest to us. By those we would give permission to use our first given name. By those we trust.

All things have an opposite. The opposite of respecting a name or someone's identity is disrespect or destruction.  One sure way to destroy another's name, reputation, identity is through gossip. Gossip is when we talk of others in a degrading way. We say words that are unkind and hateful. We use their name in vain. In a novel I recently read, Sofia, the main character, was discussing her feelings to Mr. Gerald of others gossiping about her.  His reply, though simple, was very profound to me.  He said "...people say all manner of things when they do not understand the truth."[1] How woeful that people will take someone’s identity and pursue its destruction when they do not understand the truth. 

I'm sure we have all had our names dragged through the mud a time or two. I know I have. It is hurtful. I felt betrayed and hated.  I wondered what I did that made these people talk so poorly about me with others that I also respected. It played with how I saw myself. It influenced how others saw me. In every sense of the word, gossip is destructive.

And that has made me think...

There is one person who lived on this earth that has had his name, his identity, disrespected more than anyone else. I believe many do it not understanding the truth of what they are doing. I come across people every day who use the Saviors name as a way to express emotions such as frustration, annoyance, fear, and hate. This wrenches my heart because His name symbolizes nothing even near those emotions.

The other day I heard children make joking remarks about the Saviors name. It broke my heart that children were mocking that very being who will comfort and love them. I am even more despondent to know that they learn this very behavior from grown-ups that should be teaching them respect. They should be encouraging depth, gratitude, patience, and love. And yet, these very comments were a display of mockery, emptiness, and pride.

Robert Millet wrote, "To speak the name of Christ lightly or to speak of the work of the Only Begotten Son flippantly is to take the name of the Lord in vain. Vanity is lightness, shallowness, emptiness."[2]  How sad that people use the name of Christ with shallowness and emptiness. And how ironic that He, the one so many disrespect and aim to destroy, is the one and only that has saved us from destruction.

I am in awe when I think of the many things Christ has done for me. All that I have and am able to do is because of Him. I am grateful and humbled, and therefore use his name with absolute respect and reverence. He is my Redeemer, Creator, and King.  He is the Almighty, the Most High, and Eternal Judge. He is the True and Living God, Holy One of Israel, and True Messiah.

I know he lives. I know he redeemed us from destruction. I know he is all forgiving, loving, and kind. I respect him and serve him. He is my god and, more intimately, my friend. I will forever keep his name sacred. For his name... He, is my everything.

---

[1] Allen, Nancy Campbell (2017) The Secret of the Indian Orchid. Salt Lake City, UT: Shadow Mountain.

[2] Millet, Robert (2018). The Atoning One. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.