Finding Purpose by Letting Go

I’ve heard letting go is empowering. Letting go of past hurts; people; poor self-esteem issues; and mostly, expectations of how life is supposed to be.  I’m seeing that not only is it freeing but with every piece of baggage I release I am slowly able to shift my self-prospective from feeling broken to whole... to complete.

I always thought of myself as carefree.  But it wasn’t until recently that I noticed I’m just the opposite, or at least I’ve become the opposite. My shoulders and neck always seem strained and I have to consciously tell my jaw to relax from the clenched, stressed position. I puzzled me why is was so hard to relax. Then it all became clear. I have attachment issues mixed in with control concerns that cause anxiety. I hold on so tight that I almost always get injured in the process. Attachment to feelings, outcomes, people, and my poor self-image has been a problem that has stressed me out. It seems that trying to control every aspect of my existence doesn’t work in this mortal life. Not only is it inoperative but it also harms my faith and trust in God and closes my eyes to see his big, beautiful and eternal plan for me.

I was the typical little girl.  I tried to understand the world as I played Barbie’s and dress-up for hours. I imagined that I was my future self as I became Barbie or the star actor in dress-up. I speculated what my future would look like. I thought about where I would live and what I would be when I grew up. However, I mostly dreamed of my own family, just like my parents had.

I graduated from high school and started to make some big choices for my life. I chose a major at the University and worked hard towards that goal. Through each adventure, I met many wonderful people and participated in some amazing activities. I am so grateful for all I have been through and learned.  I would never give up any of the experiences I’ve had; some being life altering. I found great success in many areas. But also along the way, I collected baggage.

I often wondered if I was pretty enough, interesting enough, worthy enough, and mostly valuable enough to have people stick around.  Many friends came into my life and left while I was still holding on. Their premature leaving out of my life, from my perspective, always made a deeper cut in the wound I was always trying to heal from: Was I enough?  

As the years passed, I pondered if my dream to have my own family would become a reality. I had that nagging thought in the back of my mind that I wasn’t “good enough” for such a wonderful blessing. Each relationship breakup got harder than harder to recover from. I started to believe nobody wanted me because, I thought, there obviously was something wrong with me.

The difficulty of finding a spouse caused me to question if I would get to have children of my own. Every time a birthday rolled around I saw my biological clock tick away and start to ware out. Then a big bomb was dropped on my dream. I was diagnosed with endometriosis in January 2020 and was told that I would need to get an ovary removed and then be on medication until I went into menopause. The chances of me having my own healthy baby, especially at my age, were highly unlikely. The way I saw it, everything was working against me. The one thing I wanted most in my life and worked so hard to get, my hope and dream, was turned upside down.

It has been a challenge to let go of the image of how I thought my life was supposed to look. Mother’s Day gets more difficult each year. Someone, trying to help me feel better, said to me once, “But look at all the children in your life that you get to influence.  Don’t you think that makes you a mother to all of them?” Honestly? No. It’s not the same. The roles are different.

A teacher is a profession. I care for my students and want them to succeed. However, it is inappropriate to have a close personal relationship with them. Especially one like a mother has with her child. My role as an aunt is someone who is the sister/sister-in-law to the child/children’s parents. My relationships with my nieces and nephews are more like a friendship. I watch my sibling’s parent their children and I yearn to have similar experiences and opportunities. Yes, I can influence children but in a different way. A mother and her child have a special type of connection that a teacher or aunt don’t.

This lack of motherly connection has left a void in my life. Since I always thought I would be a mother, I’ve had to rethink the purpose of my life. I pondered if I’ve truly made a difference in anyone’s life. Do I matter? Am I enough?

These and many more questions were swirling around in my head when I came across a story in the Book of Mormon. I felt like my questions were answered with a tender mercy.

The sons of Mosiah left their home to preach the word of God after they repented and were converted. They started their missions together as they traveled in the wilderness down to the border of the land of the Lamanites.

“And it came to pass that they journeyed many days in the wilderness, and they fasted much and prayed much that the Lord would grant unto them a portion of his Spirit to go with them, and abide with them…

And it came to pass that the Lord did visit them with his Sprit, and sad unto them: Be comforted. And they were comforted.

And the Lord said unto them also: Go forth among the Lamanites, thy brethren, and establish my word; yet ye shall be patient in long-suffering and afflictions, that ye may show good examples unto them in me, and I will make an instrument of thee in my hands unto the salvation of many souls.” (Alma 17:9-11)

Upon arrival to the border, they separated. Each man was off on his own to experience his own journey by going through different trials and receiving unique blessings. However, there was one thing they all had in common: they had faith in God.

Ammon had a rewarding experience with King Lamoni and was able to see mighty miracles. The experiences of Ammon led to the rescue of his brothers in the land of Middoni. He found them in prison.

“And when Ammon did meet them he was exceedingly sorrowful, for behold they were naked, and their skins were worn exceedingly because of being bound with strong cords. And they also had suffered hunger, thirst, and all kinds of afflictions; nevertheless they were patient in all their sufferings.” (Alma 20:29)

It hit me, right then and there: “nevertheless they were patient in all their sufferings”. The Lord had told them before their journey that there was a purpose in being patient in their afflictions. Aaron and the rest of the brothers went down excited to teach the word of God. But instead of success, they were physically abused and thrown into prison. It was just the opposite of what a hopeful and excited person expects. Yes, they knew hard times would come but nothing like they could or would imagine for themselves. And yet, they were patient.

Life is never as we expect. We may have goals and dreams of what we want outcomes or relationships to look like. However, life always ends up throwing us a few curve balls. The key is to be patient in all our sufferings (a.k.a. curveballs) because there is a purpose to those sufferings. There is a purpose to the road we are traveling on.  There is a purpose to the people who come in and out of our lives. And there is a unique purpose to each life.

Elder Neal A Maxwell said, “Patience is a willingness, in a sense, to watch the unfolding purposes of God with a sense of wonder and awe.” Just like the Lord was directing and watching over the sons of Mosiah, he is directing me with a purpose. My job is to allow him to do so that I may see the many mighty miracles he puts on my path.

After Aaron was released from prison, he was fed, clothed, rested up, and then was on his way back out. He was led to the land of Nephi, the land were the king over all the lands lived.  Aaron was not held back from baggage he may have accrued from his past. Rather, he followed the direction of the Spirit and went straight to speak to the king. From that one courageous choice, he was opened to witness mighty miracles. He let the past stay in the past, let go of any hard feelings, and allowed the Lord to direct his paths. He was patient, flexible, and obedient in the direction of the Lord and was therefore blessed to see Gods purposes. Not only did his faith bless his life, but it blessed many others. He was able to see seven lands of Lamanites converted to the Lord. He was able to see them change their ways from a ferocious people to a humble, God-fearing people.

Positive Energy created a meme that says: “Just because you believed and it didn’t work out your way or on your timetable doesn’t mean that it’s over. God is planning something better.” We almost never know what God has planned for us. It takes lots of patience to see where your road it taking you. I have learned that when I hang on to things that don’t belong in my life or false hope of how things are supposed to be that I also hang on to an incorrect idea of who I am. Looking back, I was always enough.

All my experiences are leading to a bigger purpose. I am still in the process of trying to figure out and see that purpose. However, I have also to come learn that just because something hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it never will. I was promised a family and believe if I am faithful I will be blessed with one in God’s way and time. There are so many ways we can be blessed with a righteous desire. We just have to trust the process.

Each day brings more confidence as I learn to let go of some control on life and allow God to lead me. There is a scripture on my fridge that has helped me through some tough times.

“Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God and for his arm to be revealed.” (D&C 123:17)

Yes, letting go is empowering. It empowers me with the ability to move forward. It’s interesting how life has taught me lessons in situations I could nor ever would dream up for myself. However, I know as long as I trust God, have faith in his plan, allow things to flow in and out of my life, and be patient that I will be able to see beautiful miracles unfold before my eyes.